


l'abri en nous

by LtTanyaBoone



Series: nous nous retrouverons pour apprendre à voler [4]
Category: Cardinal (TV 2017)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, F/M, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15972233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: Finding their footing again. *sequel to 'le bonheur dans nos soupirs'*





	l'abri en nous

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger warning/content warnings** for: unplanned pregnancy, abortion, discussion of mental health, child abuse, throwing up
> 
> Just like the previous piece, this one has hovertext translations for (most of) the French parts. Quick reminder that I "speak" French as a foreign language and most of this was put together using my rudimentary knowledge, dict.cc and google translate. I apologize for any horrible mangling for the language I have subjected you to.

"Would you quit that?"

Lise looks over at John, who's sitting on the couch, holding their son. Whose bottom lip is trembling precariously.

"He's been fed," Lise tells him with a soft sigh. It actually took a while, for Joel to finish nursing earlier. He'd been, upset. Distracted.

"You know I did shower," John informs the baby, his voice soft. "Got all the icky glue smell off me."

Apparently, their son disagrees, because he choses precisely that moment to burst into tears again. John flinches briefly and then lifts him up so that Joel's looking over his shoulder. He gently rubs his back, making shushing noises.

Moose looks up from Lise's lap, the purr she'd been working on cutting off.

"What has you so upset, little guy?" John questions and gives Lise a look. She sighs and shrugs.

Honestly, she has no idea what is going on with him. He's been a bit, difficult, the past two days. Then again, maybe difficult is the wrong word. Maybe they've just been spoiled, because Joel'd been an angel before. He's rarely cried, usually quitting as soon as either John or her held him. It's different, now. Now he will erupt into tears if Lise so much as looks at him wrong, it seems.

Maybe it's because John is working again. Maybe that's what's upsetting the baby. Not that Lise thinks Joel misses him. More like he can tell that she is tired. Before, her and John took turns, taking care of him. Now, when John is at work, she's alone with the baby, and when he kicks up every other hour, it can be hard to keep calm sometimes.

Lise gives a slight shake of her head and shifts, ready to lift Moose from her lap and get Joel, just to see if maybe a change in hold will calm him. She already has the cat hovering above her lap, when the baby suddenly lets out a loud, wet belch.

John blinks in surprise and pulls a face.

"I think I need a fresh shirt," he tells her, an edge to his voice. Lise lets out a soft chuckle and puts Moose down on the floor before she gets up.

Joel's stopped crying. When she takes him into her arms, she finds a blissful look on his face.

"So that's what was bothering you?" she asks him with a shake of her head. The baby coos and reaches up to rub his fist over his face. John hands her a bib so she can clean his face a little. It's impressive how little he managed to get on himself, given the large stain now decorating John's shirt.

"This smells awful," he shakes his head and starts to unbutton his shirt. Lise slowly moves from side to side, rocking the baby a little.

"I prefer that to what comes out the other end," she quips and sees John pull a face. Is it bad to admit that they actually flipped a coin, the other day, to figure out who would deal with the poopy diaper?

John shakes his head. "I better go rinse this," he mutters and Lise nods. When he passes her, he presses a soft kiss to her cheek and tells her he'll be right back. Looking down at the baby again, after John has left, she finds that he looks rather tired.

"Sleepy?" she asks him gently and carefully runs the tip of her index finger down Joel's nose. His little face scrunches up a little, but his eyes close, and he has trouble opening them again. Lise smiles at him and lifts him a little to secure her hold before she starts heading for his nursery. Time for some rest, she thinks.

She's managed to get him into his swaddler when John joins them.

"Bedtime?" he asks, and Lise gives a soft hum of assent.

"Night, buddy," John murmurs and bends down to kiss Joel's forehead before Lise picks him up again. Kisses his cheek before putting him into his crib.

They do have an attachment, for their bed. A safe place for Joel to sleep in, in the night. And they've used it, before. It's just... Lise can't really explain why, but it makes her slightly uncomfortable. She, worries. That she'll fall back asleep when she's nursing. It's dangerous, she knows that. When he's not in the attachment, Joel's body isn't protected, and it would be easy for her or John to roll on top of him and not notice it in their sleep.

So having him in his crib, it's more work, to get up for feedings, but it makes her feel less anxious. And she does think not having the baby in the bedroom is helping John get some sleep, as well.

* * *

"Sh, mon ange," Lise murmurs as she gently takes off Joel's clothes, leaving the baby in only his diaper.

"Hello little guy," the pediatrician smiles at him and takes the stethoscope to listen to his heartbeat and lungs.

"How has he been?" she asks Lise as she slowly goes through examining the infant.

"Pretty well," Lise tells her with a smile. "I think," she adds, tilting her head at her son.

"You're breastfeeding?" the doctor inquires, moving Joel's arms carefully and casting a glance at Lise when she nods.

"Yes," she confirms. "It's been getting easier, actually," she says. "I sometimes pump, so his father can feed him, but we're not using formula."

"Alright," the doctor nods, lifting the baby up and turning him onto his belly as she supports him. Runs her index finger down his spine a few times, before turning him back over.

"Do you smoke, or drink?"

Lise shakes her head. "No," she frowns. "I had a few sips of wine, when I was pregnant with him. Maybe a glass, total. But nothing since he was born," she tells her. "Which, I actually wanted to ask. I know it's not recommended, to drink when you're breastfeeding, but I was wondering if I could have a glass of wine, occasionally."

"You're right," the doctor nods, carefully putting Joel down in a scale. "It's not recommended. Any alcohol you consume goes into your breastmilk at the same amount it goes into your blood. A glass is not much for an adult, but babies are tiny, and their livers are immature, as well," she explains, before lifting Joel from the scale again.

"You can dress him now," she tells Lise and carefully hands the baby over to her before she goes to sit at her desk to mark down Joel's weight.

"If you really want to drink," she continues, turning to look at Lise again, "the recommendation is to limit yourself to one glass of wine or a can of beer. And to wait at least two hours after you finish your drink before you breastfeed, so the alcohol has cleared your system."

"Okay," Lise nods, buttoning up Joel's onesie. "Thank you," she smiles at the doctor. "It's not that I want to get drunk, but his father and I used to share a glass of wine with dinner occasionally, and to be honest, I kind of miss it."

"No judgement here," the doctor shakes her head with a smile, watching the two of them interact. "I'm glad you asked, actually. A lot of people assume it'll be fine, and then it turns out it's not."

Lise swallows thickly and puts her son's pants back on him before lifting him into her arms again, rubbing his back.

"His weight is up," the doctor tells her at her questioning look. "A little less than I was expecting," she adds with a look at his chart, and Lise's heart lurches in her chest at the words. "But since you said you had trouble with breastfeeding in the beginning, that might explain the variance in weight gain," she continues.

Lise nods slowly.

"My midwife said the same thing," she says, gently puting the beanie back on her son's little head. "It worried me, when he kind of, stagnated, but she wasn't concerned, though she kept a close eye on it."

"It's okay," the doctor tells her. "Babies lose weight, during the first days. Combination of having to figure out nursing, and the mom not actually having any breast milk yet. It's important that they do start to gain eventually, but the speed of that can vary. His gain is well within acceptable limits and not concerning, your midwife was right about that."

Lise finds herself letting out a relieved breath, rocking herself a little to keep her son calm.

"Weight's up, he's grown, as well. He seems alert to me, reacts to stimuli. He's definitely able to tell the difference between you and me," the doctor says, motioning to Joel. Looks back at his chart and her notes in it.

"How are things, at home?" she asks and Lise feels her eyebrows raise. "You getting enough sleep?"

"Yes," she answers automatically. Finds that the doctor looks at her, her head tilted a little.

"I can see the circles," she informs Lise and leans back in her chair. "I'm not asking because I love to pry," she says, her voice soft. "And I believe you are a good mother, who is doing a great job looking after her baby. I'm just a little, concerned, as to how well you're looking after yourself."

Lise blinks and slowly sits down in the free chair, absentmindedly rubbing Joel's back.

"I'm fine," she tells the other woman. "Really," she adds at the sound of a sigh leaving the doctor. "We've just... his father, is a detective with the Algonquin Bay Police. He got a call last night and had to go out, so I didn't have a lot of sleep."

"You ever take something, for that?" the doctor asks, suddenly more alert. Lise furrows her brows, then shakes her head.

"No," she replies. "I hadn't thought of that, to be honest," she admits. "And now that you have mentioned it, it doesn't sound like a good idea, if I'm alone. I'd worry too much, about not hearing the baby monitor, or falling asleep while he nurses..." she trails off with a frown and looks at her son.

"What about homeopathic stuff? You ever try that?" the doctor inquires. "Like, St. John's wort?"

"No," Lise shakes her head again. "Isn't that..." she suddenly asks, a faint memory sparking in the back of her mind.

"Some people use it to treat mild cases of depression," the doctor tells her.

"I'm not depressed," Lise immediately says and Joel's pediatrician quickly holds up her hands to calm her.

"I wasn't implying that," she tells her, her voice gentle. "And while hasty assurances like that usually make me suspicious," she continues, and Lise feels herself blush a little, "I am inclined to believe you. Your midwife's notes do say that you seemed a little, down, during two of her earlier visits, but that seems to have cleared, so to me, that seems like a normal case of 'baby blues'. Unless you still feel like that," she adds, searching Lise's face.

Who lets out a sigh.

"What do you want me to say?" she asks, genuinely uncertain. "I'm not, sad," she allows. "But at times, it feels like I'm not as happy as I should be," she sighs.

"Lots of new mothers actually say that," the doctor tells her gently. "Having a baby, giving birth, it's, a lot. Actually, it's crazy, what goes on in your body during childbirth and after. Your hormones are all over the place, which is why you may feel sad, or weepy, or irritated. That's normal, for a couple of days, even a few weeks. But it should clear up after that. If it doesn't, there is a problem."

"PPD," Lise nods, swallowing hard.

"Yes, postpartum depression," the other woman confirms. "Anything like that, in your family? Mental illness in general, but especially depression?"

"Not that I know of," Lise shakes her head. "I think my mother had a bout of depression once, when I was a teenager, but she never saw anyone for it. Not at far as I am aware, at least."

"And his dad?" the doctor asks, motioning towards Joel, who is slowly falling asleep against Lise's shoulder.

"John?" she frowns. "Non," Lise shakes her head.

"You feel like you can talk to him, about this?" the other woman inquires gently, and Lise almost laughs out loud at the question.

"His late wife had bipolar disorder," she informs the doctor. "He's, very aware, of what depression looks like."

The doctor frowns then, and taps her pen against the desk twice before she gives a slight shake of her head.

"I'm going to recommend a baby play group, to you," she tells Lise and grabs a note block to write something down. "It's twice a week, led by a pediatrics nurse," she explains. "You and Joel go there, and just have fun with each other. No gymnastics or anything like it, I promise. It's more of a bonding moments thing. You can talk to other mothers, swap stories, get some advice. Once a month, there's a pediatrics session, where one of the hospital peds tries to come by and answer some questions you may have."

"I'm not big on hanging out to gossip," Lise frowns as she accepts the note.

"This isn't about that," the doctor shakes her head. "I don't care if you actually talk to these women, and the nurse doesn't report back to me. I want you to get out of the house, Lise. He's too young for baby swimming, though that might be something of interest, in the future. If you can find something else that has bonding moments with your child, try that. I want you to have something nice to share with your son, something you will both enjoy and look forward to."

It makes her swallow, again. Maybe this isn't such a bad idea, she think. Perhaps it will be, nice, to have this to look forward to. She enjoys her time with Joel at home, yes, but sometimes, structuring it can be, difficult. Outside input might be helpful. If anything, it's an excuse to get out of the house, and she'll take that any day.

* * *

She's pretty sure her mother is still absolutely mortified. Though she is trying, Lise is willing to give her that.

She hasn't exactly told them that Joel was planned. That John and her actually tried to get pregnant. Figured that, given their initial reaction of absolute shock, it would be better to leave her parents in the dark about that little detail.

Her father adores his grandson, though. Which, Lise has to admit, surprises her, just a little bit. Okay, it actually made her stare at him in shock, when she'd found him bending over Joel's carrier, cooing at the baby the first time that they introduced them. She's never seen her father do anything like that, before, and if Lise is honest, she's still not quite recovered from that episode.

It's, strange. Before Joel, she didn't even think of getting married to John. She loves him, she knows that. More than she can put into words, really, and she doesn't doubt for a moment that John feels the same way about her. But their relationship, it's... stable. Secure. It's great, just the way it is.

Maybe it's her experience with Josh that has soured her to the idea of marriage. Lise can't explain it, can't make sense of why it feels different, when she thinks of marrying John. Why it feels, wrong, somehow. It's not that she's not committed to this, she is, absolutely. She does want to spend the rest of her life with him at her side. But the thought of actually putting that out there into the world, of taking the step to signal their commitment to each other to the rest of the world, it's just, strange.

Finding a name for Joel had been a bit, difficult. John's French isn't the best, and she wouldn't have wanted to use a name he'd have trouble saying properly, even if it may have meant a lot to her. Which is how they ended up with Joel Benjamin. She likes the names, thinks they are kind of cute. And Joel definitely fits their son. It's funny, how John uses the French pronunciation when he says the whole name, but whenever they shorten it to Joel, he says it in English. Lise hopes it won't confuse the baby.

Maybe they should have hyphenated his last name, Lise keeps thinking. They could have, easily. But then they'd have to decide which one to go with, first. Like, would it have been Cardinal-Delorme or Delorme-Cardinal? And how was anyone reading that name supposed to know that John's name is English, not French?

She thought he'd be more upset about the whole thing. And maybe he is, and just doesn't tell her. Lise had felt awful, suggesting they go with her last name. She gets that Joel is his son, that having his last name be Cardinal, it would have meant a lot, to John. And he had said that he needed to think about it. In the end, he'd agreed to use her name, though, and Lise had felt strangely relieved. It's so strange, how much her last name means to her. Even when she'd gotten married to Josh, she'd refused to change her name. It's part of her identity, but Lise thinks that maybe she should figure out what sort of issues she has, that her sense of herself is so intensely connected to her name.

But her parents, they are definitely not loving the whole "have a kid and don't get married to their dad" thing. It's weird, and old-fashioned, Lise thinks. She's way more happy, with John, than she ever was with Josh. She loves him with all her heart, in a way she cannot even begin to put into words. Yet every time John just touches her hand, Lise sees her father tense up. It makes her roll her eyes every time. One, she's an adult, she doesn't need him to protect her. And two, she has chosen this relationship. She's happy being with John. It would be nice, if her parents could just accept it, and move on. It's her life, they ought to respect her choices, right?

* * *

She's perfectly aware of how ridiculous she's being.

Lise frowns at her reflection and lets out a sigh before she turns to the side. Scrutinizes herself a little, and then shakes her head.

It's stupid. She knows that. She's just had a baby. No one expects her to be in perfect shape. But still, there is this, lingering sense of, unease, when she looks at herself in profile.

When she was still pregnant with Joel, it was different. Her body was changing, yes, but she'd been able to accept it. It had been doing what it was supposed to, and Lise will readily admit that she's happy it did its job well. But now it's, different.

It's not like she expected to go right back to how things were, before she started showing. She knows it doesn't work like that, that there's no magic switch to make the baby weight disappear and have her body just snap back into shape. But Joel is almost two months old now, and Lise thinks that it is taking her longer than she thought, to get her body back to how it used to be.

John hasn't said anything, but she's starting to think that's more out of courtesy than anything else. He still kisses her, still hugs her and holds her close, but everything else...

Like, her doctor told her she was okay, to have sex again, weeks ago. Yet here they are, John and her, without having slept with each other since Joel was born. And Lise is starting to feel so self-conscious about it. Is really getting quite pathetic.

Maybe she should just ask him, if it bothers him, the way her body's changed. Even if he lies, she'll probably be able to tell, and then they can have a conversation about it, like normal adults. This, this dancing around each other, it's just not working.

"Lise?"

She jumps in surprise and turns to see John in the bedroom doorway, a confused expression on his face.

"Did I, interrupt something?" he asks, frowning.

"Non," she shakes her head and walks over to brush her lips over his. "I didn't hear you come home."

"I gathered as much," he chuckles and leans down for another kiss. And another, this being one that makes her sigh into his mouth. Makes Lise reach up and wrap her arms around his neck to pull him closer.

She feels John's hands on her hips, gentle pressure holding her close as he keeps kissing her, a strangled sound escaping him when she presses up against him.

"John," she whispers and leans back a little. "Je te veux."

He blinks at her, a slightly dazed expression on his face. "Huh?"

Lise hesitates. Shifts and leans back more as she searches his face. Is he trying to play dumb, to spare her feelings? Or is this real? She could swear she's used the phrase before, that he understands what the words mean.

"I want you," she tells him in English. Feels herself flush a little. Why is it that telling him this is so much easier in French?

She watches as he swallows thickly, and her heart sinks. Oh. So she was right, it does bother him-

"Don't get me wrong," he tells her and Lise tries to fight the tears that are gathering in her eyes back down. "I want- Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she shakes her head and steps away from him. Feels his hands leave her hips, feels them glide off. She swallows and crosses her arms.

"Lise," he says her name, an edge to his voice. "Come on. What is it?"

"Actually, I don't want to talk about this; not right now," she shakes her head again and pushes past him. Takes the three steps down the hall and gently pushes open the door to their son's nursery, to check on him. He's sleeping soundly in his crib, the pacifier hanging half out of his mouth. Lise considers putting it back in, or taking it out completely, but then thinks better of it. If she moves it, he'll probably wake up. She's only put him down half an hour ago, when he was falling asleep in her arms. Waking him up again already is a bad idea.

When she turns around again, she finds John leaning against the doorjamb, watching her intently. She gives a shake of her head and grabs the baby monitor before leaving Joel's room and pulling the door closed behind her.

"Don't do this," she tells him, pointing at his chest with the monitor briefly before she goes to walk down the hallway. She needs to check the fridge, see if there's any breastmilk left. Because right now, she really wants to have a glass of strong alcohol, but there is no way she can have any if there's no milk for Joel to drink, should he get hungry.

"Do what?" John asks as he follows her.

"I told you," she informs him when they reach the kitchen and she opens the fridge, "that I don't want to talk about it. Tabarnak!" she curses at the sight of only one bottle sitting there. So much for getting drunk.

"You looked like you were about to cry just then," he insists. "And I think that's something we should be talking about."

Lise whirls around to snap at him, again, but then feels the fight go out of her. He's right. She was about to cry, and they do need to talk about this.

"And why are you cursing at the fridge?" he adds, in a slightly amused tone. Lise blinks and looks away.

"I wanted to have a drink," she shrugs. "There's no enough milk left, though, and I don't want to pump, right now," she sighs. John shifts and tilts his head slightly, watching her. It makes her feel, uncomfortable. Exposed, in a way she's not appreciating, right now.

"What?" she asks as she crosses her arms.

"I was just wondering, how long it takes, to clear your system," he shrugs.

"I'm not sure," she allows. "The doctor said to wait at least two hours before nursing, after a drink, though."

"Hm," he hums and leans against the kitchen counter. "So, are we going to talk, about the sorrows you'd like to drown?"

She swallows and leans against the fridge, opposite of him. Tries to figure out how to explain this current mess of emotions, to him.

"It's, stupid," she prefaces and sees him open his mouth already. She gives him a warning look, and he slowly closes it again. "We haven't, had sex, in so long. And I'm just, I'm starting to think..." she trails off with a shuddering breath. Lise looks away from him and bites her bottom lip, telling herself to get a grip. She's not going to cry. Not in front of John.

"You think..." he repeats stupidly and Lise chances a glance at him. He looks, confused. "Wait," he suddenly says, his face lighting up a little in realization, before it falls. "You think I don't want to make love to you?"

It's the wording that does her in. Lise feels her face crumble and reaches up to press a hand over her mouth, all the while yelling at herself to stop it. But she can feel the first hot tears falling and knows she's going to have a very ugly and messy breakdown.

"Lise, no," John murmurs and she feels him touch her shoulder. Lets a strangled sob escape her as his hand rubs down her back. "Come here, look at me," he asks and she gives a slight shake of her head. She can't, not right now.

"Lise, I love you," he tells her. "This, this has absolutely nothing to do with me not loving you, or not finding you attractive. Hey, look at me, please."

She draws a shuddering breath and risks a glance at him. Looks up at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks. John's face is soft and she feels the hand on her back move a little, press against her more. She takes a step and leans against him, allowing him to wrap his arms around her.

"Can you stop crying?" he asks her, a strained edge to his voice. "Because this is making me emotional, too, and if you don't, I'll start bawling, too. It'll be a mess."

Lise feels a chuckle leave her and shakes her head. Sniffles, and draws a slow breath. He reaches up with one hand and gently starts to wipe away the tears on her face with his thumb.

"I love you. Okay?" he tells her softly. "And I think you're stunning."

"Then why..." she starts, her voice catching.

"I didn't know if we could," he frowns. "I mean, I thought, perhaps your doctor said we should wait... I know, maybe I should have asked," he allows, "but then I thought, maybe you didn't want to. Weren't ready for it, or didn't feel like it. And I didn't want to pressure you..." he trails off, his brows furrowing again. "This is a bad time to bring it up, but, Catherine, she struggled, a lot, after Kelly was born. And sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference, between what was generally considered normal, and what happened because of her own issues."

Lise blinks at him and swallows.

"How long did you and Catherine..." she begins, but then figures that perhaps that was inappropriate, to even consider asking.

"Couple of months," he still replies. "I didn't keep track, but, I think it was close to Kelly's first birthday, actually."

Her eyes widen slightly in surprise.

"Oh," Lise breathes.

"That wasn't just her choosing. I worked long hours then, and honestly, at the end of the day, we were both just exhausted. But," he tells her, looking into her eyes, "it was fine by me. I would have waited longer, if she'd needed me to. I missed that intimacy, yes, but... Our relationship was about a lot more than sex. And I hope you know that yours and mine is, too."

"Yes," Lise nods. "I know that," she confirms, calming down. "It just... It's, strange. I think I was, projecting, my insecurities, and I'm sorry."

"What insecurities?" John frowns. When Lise gives him a 'really?' look, he leans back in surprise. "Lise, you're stunning."

"Says the man who hasn't seen me naked in weeks," she rolls her eyes at him. "Seriously, though," she continues, "please don't say that."

"Why not?"

"Because," she sighs and reaches up to rub a hand over her forehead. "I feel, off. I can't really explain it. It's not like I used to be worried, about my looks, but my body's changed, and it's, throwing me off," she tries to explain. "If you really don't mind, then I'm glad. But right now, I do. I mind. It, bothers me, and I don't think I want to hear you brush it away, as if it's not real."

"I didn't mean to do that," John shakes his head. He watches her face intently, his brows creasing. "I'm sorry," he apologizes softly. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, make you think I wasn't attracted to you any more. Because I am."

Lise swallows and gives a slight shakes of her head. Wraps her arms around his waist and leans in close.

"I'm sorry," she tells him. "I should have said something sooner, not let it get this far..." she trails off with a sigh. John gives a small shake of his head and brushes her hair from her face. He leans down a little and Lise meets him for a soft kiss.

It takes her a moment to realize what's happening, until her back is pressed against the counter and John's hands are on her hips again.

"Not here," she breathes against his lips when she thinks he's about to lift her up on the counter. John pauses and leans back a little, his pupils wide.

"Bedroom?" he husks and Lise nods mutely before pulling him down into another kiss. She feels him lift her then and wraps her legs around him instinctively, a giggle escaping her.

"Let me down," she tells him.

"Nope," John shakes his head.

"John," she says his name in warning. "You're not carrying me to the bedroom," she informs him. He hesitates for a moment, then his hold changes and he carefully sets her down again.

"Thank you," she nods. Takes his hand and pulls him with her as she walks down the hallway backwards. Drops his hand halfway to begin unbuttoning his shirt. She's missed this, Lise thinks as she runs her hands over his chest. Missed being so close to him, missed touching him like this.

She still feels, self-conscious, when he pulls her shirt over her head. It makes her freeze for a moment, but John doesn't even pause. Leans in for another kiss, his hands back on her hips as he steers her towards the bed.

"Leave it," she breathes when she feels his hands on her back, going up to unclasp her bra.

"Huh?" John murmurs and leans back to search her face. Lise gives a slight shake of her head and reaches back to pull his hands away from the clasp of her bra.

"That could get very messy," she informs him.

"What are you- Oh," he realizes, his cheeks coloring, and drawing a laugh from her. Yes, she learned the hard way that wearing a nursing bra is definitely in her best interest, these days. John hesitates, his brows furrowing.

"What?" she asks, watching as the gears turn in his head.

"Is this part of what's bothering you?" he asks carefully, searching her face intently. She finds herself blinking in surprise at the question and actually has to take a moment to think about it, before she slowly shakes her head.

"No," Lise replies. Her breasts have changed, yes, but it's not really something she's self-conscious about. They look fine to her, really. Sometimes they're bothering her in the sense that they hurt, when she goes too long without nursing or pumping, but that's about it.

"Just making sure," John shrugs and Lise finds herself smiling at him.

"Thank you," she says and pulls him down for another kiss, her hands going to the belt of his pants, slowly undoing it.

It's been a while, yes, and Lise thinks this might end up being a rather brief encounter, but at the same time it feels like no time has passed at all. He still touches her the same way. Gently, in a reassuring way that makes her feel safe, makes her feel cherished, and wanted. She still trusts him, implicitly, despite her having been so worried about what he was thinking, earlier.

She's missed him on top of her. Missed looking up at him and pulling him down into a kiss as John moves inside of her. Missed the sounds he makes, the way he kisses her jaw, her clavicle. Missed the way the muscles of his back move beneath her fingertips as she runs her hands up and down his back.

And she's missed the moments right after. When they're curled up around each other, trying to catch their breath. John's hand is tangled in her hair, she feels his fingers on her scalp, massaging it, and lets out a content sigh. She has a leg thrown over his hip, an arm over his chest and is cuddled close to him. Lise nudges her nose against his side and looks up at him.

"Je t'aime," she whispers softly. Reaches up with her hand and strokes his cheek. John sighs and opens his eyes. Looks at her, a little crooked grin playing on his lips.

"Love you, too," he replies. Lise feels the hand that was on her hip begin to move, to slowly stroke up her side. Shivers, at the touch, the way it makes heat pool low in the pit of her stomach.

"Give me a moment," she asks with a soft chuckle. John's movement stills briefly, before he picks it up again. Moves and dislodges her from her position next to him. Lise lets out an unhappy sound, which turns into a sigh when he starts to trail kisses down her throat. Slowly travels down her body, showering her skin in kisses and soft touches. She starts to squirm, reaches for him. Wants to draw him up into a heady kiss, but he shakes his head, slowly travelling lower, his lips moving across her stomach and causing her to draw in a sharp breath. She's reaching down and buries her hand in his hair, to hold onto something, the fingers of the other curling into the sheets as John's tongue darts out.

They both jump at the wail that suddenly carries down the hallway.

"Shit," John breathes and leans back. Lise blinks and reaches up to cover her face as she starts to laugh.

Of course, that had to happen, she thinks as she shakes her head.

"You think this is funny?" he asks her, his voice slightly incredulous, and Lise lets out a giggle, trying to calm down.

"No," she tells him as she lowers her hands. "One of us should definitely go and check on him."

John gives her an agonized look before looking down at himself, and her eyes follow his gaze, before she lets out another laugh.

"Poor you," she shakes her head at him, and then sobers.

"Funny," John sighs and pulls away from her, to allow Lise to get out of bed. She grabs her panties from the floor and quickly pulls them on, before she steps from the bedroom.

Joel is lying in his crib, his face turning red with the intensity of his cries.

"Ah, mon ange," Lise whispers and carefully picks him up. Holds him against her and rubs his back in an attempt to calm him. "Sh, tout est bien, maman est ici," she murmurs as Joel continues to cry in her arms. She changes her hold a little and pats his diaper carefully, before pulling a face as she finds the source of her son's discomfort. She takes him over to the changing table to get him changed, and figures she might as well nurse him again after. It's been quite a while, since she put him down to sleep, he's probably hungry, too. And if he's not, he will be soon.

John will have to wait, until she joins him again, though Lise doesn't think he'll mind too much. They have the entire night left to them.

* * *

"You're sure this is fine?" Lise asks again. For the fifth time, if she's right. Fifth time today, that is.

"Yes," John nods, exasperation creeping into his voice.

She shifts and fiddles with her coat, hesitating.

"What if they call you in?" she asks.

"Then I will call you, and they'll have to wait until you're back," he replies. Lise allows a sigh to escape her lips.

"I don't know..." she trails off, watching as he gently bounces their son a little. Joel's cooing against his shoulder, defiantly ignoring his scheduled naptime.

She was supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago, the latest. The plan had been to nurse Joel, change his diaper, put him down for his nap, hand the baby monitor to John, give him a kiss and then leave for a movie night with Larren. The other woman's 'payment' for allowing her to play with Moose. It's just that, today of all days, Joel is absolutely uninterested in napping. He screams as soon as he's put in his crib and his parents disappear out of his sight. Lise has tried, three times, and John tried twice. It's not that he won't allow them to lay him down for a moment, though he does protest and begins to cry when he thinks it takes them too long to pick him up again. But it doesn't matter how long it is for, as soon as they both disappear from his sight, he begins to scream bloody murder. And Lise has no idea what she's supposed to do.

He's been fed, he's been changed, he's had a story read to him. She's played with him the entire morning, when he was awake. The only time she got him to sleep was on herself, and then Lise had been fighting hard not to fall asleep herself, too.

"Lise, go," John chuckles. "He's fine, okay? We got everything we need. Milk in the fridge, plenty of diapers and outfits, never mind the number of toys he has. I'm here, I love taking care of him. Go!"

Lise frowns and bites her lip. This, this isn't easy. It's actually really damn hard. She's never been away from Joel for longer than a few minutes. But Larren's invitation, that's going to be almost three hours. Three hours away from her son, that's something Lise hasn't done yet. Sure, they have been separated for three hours, but then Joel had been sleeping. Hence why she'd wanted to leave during naptime. She'd thought it would be a lot easier, then. But her son's awake now, and she just, it feels, wrong, to just leave.

"One last kiss," she decides and walks over again. John lets out an exasperated sigh and leans down a little, so she can stroke her hand through their son's fine baby hair and kiss his cheek.

"Je t'aime, mon ange," she tells him. Joel cooes at her and jerks his head, drool dripping from his mouth. He's so cute, all wide-eyed and attentive.

"Lise," John says her name again. "Leave. Come on, I don't want to have to explain to Larren why your movie date fell through."

"Right," she nods. Stands up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, and then kisses Joel's temple, as well. "One for the road," she shrugs at his look.

"Out," he nods towards the door. "Before I lock you out."

Lise shakes her head and takes her coat and purse. Waves at the two of them and John turns so she can see Joel. Takes his little hand and makes a careful waving motion.

"A bientôt, maman," he says and Lise laughs at his accent, though she has tears in her eyes as she closes the door behind her. Takes a moment, to compose herself, before she walks over to her car.

Just a movie. Maybe some dinner, after. Larren had said that was optional, depending on how Joel would be doing. But the movie she kind of insisted on. And Lise knows she needs this. Needs to get out of the house and talk to an adult for a couple of hours, before she goes crazy.

Doesn't change that it's really hard, to turn the keys in the ignition and leave the driveway.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Lise laughs as John wraps his arms around her from behind and presses up against her.

"Not sure," he replies and starts to kiss her neck. She lets out a soft humm and relaxes back into him, a sigh leaving her.

"Not right now," she shakes her head and reaches up to stroke his cheek. Feels him deflate a little and turns around in his arms. Reaches up again to wrap her arms around his neck as she looks up at him.

"I love you," she tells him, her voice soft. "But I'm tired, and I still have to clean this up," she nods towards the sink, with their dirty dishes from dinner in it.

"I can do that," he offers. Lise arches an eyebrow at him, hesitating. It feels like she should be doing more, around the house. She is, after all, the one who's home the whole time. All she has to do, is look after the baby, when he's not sleeping. It's not like a full time job. And yet, it always seems like the day is getting away from her. Like today. She'd planned on doing the laundry, and sweep the floors. The floors she managed, but it had been John, who'd started the laundry after he'd gotten home.

It shouldn't be this hard, to do a little bit of housework.

"Why don't you sit down?" he suggests. "Relax a bit. Run yourself a bath, maybe. I'll take care of this, and Joel, if he wakes."

Lise pulls back and shakes her head.

"I'm fine," she tells him and turns back around. Feels John's arms slip away from her.

"I know," he says and Lise feels his hand give her shoulder a squeeze. "Just offering."

Lise swallows and gives a mute nod. He steps away and she reaches out to turn the water on and let the sink fill a bit.

"Hey," he says as she starts scrubbing at their plates. Lise rinses one, then hands it over for him to dry.

"Arsenault actually asked if I had any pictures. I think he was upset, that you didn't stop by Indent the other day, when you brought Joel," he chuckles, and draws a laugh from Lise as well.

"We can call him up next time," she allows. "I just don't think taking Joel down there is a good idea."

"It's not," John shakes his head. "I don't want him exposed to any of those chemicals."

Lise hums softly and they continue working in silence. It feels, good. Familiar. She is tired, and if she so much as rests her head anywhere, she's sure she'll end up falling asleep. But she's had so little time awake with John lately, she doesn't want to miss a second of it.

* * *

Lise grabs the cat and lifts her away from the blanket. Moose shakes herself when she lets go of her. Her tail flicks nervously as she watches Lise before turning her head and staring at Joel, again.

It's starting to make Lise nervous. The way the cat keeps stalking around them.

So far, Moose has been... not perfect, but still very well-behaved. Lise hasn't caught her in Joel's nursery unless she had left the door open when she was in it herself. She does have a tendency to get cozy in his crib, no matter how many times Lise pulls her out of it. Maybe it's the softness of the sheets, or the smell, or the little mobile that draws the cat's attention.

She hasn't tried to bite the baby, or taken a swipe at him. Yet. Lise loves Moose, she adores her and she'd kill for her. But the past few days, she's noticed a certain, attitude, in the cat, that has been making her nervous when she sees her close to the baby.

"Moose," she calls as the cat sets a paw on the blanket again. She pauses, her body tensed, as if she's ready to spring. Joel kicks his legs, his arms moving in tandem with them. Lets out a soft sound and tries to turn onto his side. So far, he hasn't quite managed yet. Lise smiles at him and reaches out to touch his cheek. Partly because it will block Moose from getting to the baby's face.

Moose's tail flicks again and she slowly creeps forward, causing Lise to let out a sigh.

"Non," she shakes her head and picks up the cat again. Gets up to set her down on the other side of the room, in an attempt to deter her from joining them again.

It's one of the few firm rules they have, for Moose and the baby. She's not allowed in the nursery unsupervised. And she's not allowed on Joel's blanket when the baby is on it. Lise usually puts it away after tummy time, anyway, not wanting cat hair all over it, and to have more of a clear message, for the cat. The blanket is off limits.

As soon as Moose's paws touch the floor, however, the cat runs off, to the baby, and Lise is left yelling after her and trying to catch up with the pet to prevent her from hurting Joel.

Moose darts across the blanket and Lise's heart skips a beat when she seems to lunge at the baby, but then Moose jumps over him. Grabs the cotton toy ball that's lying next to him, and darts off with it.

Lise skids on the hardwood floor and blinks in surprise. Joel's squirming, his back arching a little as unhappy sounds escape him.

"Sh, mon petit," Lise murmurs and kneels down next to him. Carefully picks him up and cradles him against her, making shushing noises to calm him. "Ca ta fait peur, mon trésor?" she asks him, frowning a little as she raises her eyes to look around for the cat. She can't be far, Lise is hearing the jingling of Joel's toy.

She spots Moose beneath the couch table. The cat is rolling around, playing with the ball. Sinks her teeth into it and her claws, hitting it over and over again. Lise allows a sigh to escape her at the realization that this is probably a lost toy. She'll have to run it through the wash, before she gives it back to Joel, and she's not entirely sure if it will survive it. Maybe the bell inside it will start to rust when it gets damp.

"Bad Moose," she tells the cat. Who doesn't even seem to hear her, she's so absolutely engrossed with the toy she's stolen. Lise would get up and take it from her, but that seems like nothing more than a surefire way to get herself scratched, or bitten.

"Moose a volé ton jouet, mon ange," Lise shakes her head and turns her attention back to the baby. He seems to have calmed down, now. She's probably right and the cat just startled him. Lise knows she didn't do anything to him, she would have seen it. No, Moose had really just gone after the toy and then darted off. Probably knowing perfectly well she wasn't supposed to do it.

* * *

"I hope she's not getting any ideas."

John's voice is low as he leans over and murmurs to Lise. She can feel his breath on her neck, it makes her shiver a little as she continues to watch Kelly feed the baby.

"She's old enough," she remarks, and feels him tense. Casts a glance at John and has to bite back a laugh at his mortified expression.

He hadn't been happy, at all, when he'd thought Kelly was pregnant all those months ago. It had been a bit of a mess, one she'd been responsible for, Lise thinks. She still feels bad about it, and the fight it caused between John and Kelly.

As far as she knows, Kelly's not currently seeing anyone. But Lise doesn't think it's her place, to remind John of that. And even if she's not dating someone in particular, one night stands and affairs are a thing. Plenty of ways for someone to get pregnant even without being in a relationship. Though Lise is pretty sure that John doesn't need to be reminded of that fact, either.

"Uh, Lise?"

"Coming," she replies when Kelly calls her name. Gives John a nudge before she walks over to the other woman and her child.

"I think he's done," Kelly frowns down at Joel, who turns his face away from the bottle as she offers it again. "But there's still so much milk-"

"That's fine," Lise tells her. "He doesn't have to eat all of it," she assures her. "I put more into the bottle because I thought he hadn't nursed as much earlier, but if he's not hungry anymore there's no point in forcing him."

"Okay," Kelly nods and Lise tilts her head a little.

"Want to burp him?" she asks, but Kelly shakes her head no.

"I think he's had enough of me, actually," she tells her. Lise bends down and carefully takes Joel into her arms. Grabs the towel from Kelly's shoulder and places it on her own before she lifts her son up and gently pats his back, to get him to burp.

Truth be told, Joel had looked rather comfortable, with his sister. Lise has the distinct suspicion that it was actually Kelly who had enough of the baby. Lise doesn't blame her. If she's honest, she actually missed holding him. Which shouldn't even be a thing, given how much time she spends with the baby, how often they cuddle with each other and how long she holds him for, throughout the day.

Joel lets out a burp, his head jerking a little before he rests it against Lise's shoulder.

"I, uh," Kelly starts and gestures at the baby. "I think he needs a new diaper."

Or maybe she'd just wanted to get out of changing him. That would have been a pretty good reason to hand him right back to his parents, Lise supposes.

"Want to confuse him even more?" John offers and Lise rolls her eyes at him.

"I'll take this one," she tells him. "You owe me one," she adds at his relieved look. John nods and Lise leans up briefly to kiss his cheek, before she goes to change their son's diaper.

He's cooing at her almost the entire time. Watches Lise's face intently and returns her smiles readily. It makes her laugh at him. He can be such a goofball when he's in a good mood.

"Et voila," she mutters as she finishes dressing him again. Lifts him up and kisses his cheek. Joel gargles and jerks his head, almost hitting her in the face. She leans back and shakes her head at him. Decides that they'll return to the living room, to Kelly and John.

When she walks in, Lise lets out a soft chuckle at the sight of Moose curled up in Kelly's lap, giving the baby what appears to be a rather smug look.

"Papa cuddles," John tells her and holds out his hands for the baby. Lise gives him a surprised look, before handing Joel over. He doesn't usually refer to himself as 'papa'. Coming to think of it, Lise doesn't believe she ever heard him say that in front of Kelly. It's, strange. Lise uses 'papa' all the time, when referring to John. She figured that his reluctance for using the word was the resemblance to Pop-pop in English.

"Don't be angry," Kelly suddenly says as Lise has sat down on the floor, in an attempt to see if Moose wants her attention. The cat can get a bit, peculiar, if she thinks she's being neglected. Something that Lise would rather like to avoid.

She braces herself and sees John tense up a little, as well. A dozen different things are going through her mind, of what might have happened, to make Kelly preface something with those particular words.

"I, I think I'll, crash at Amber's place, tonight."

"What?" John asks, frowning. Kelly lets out a sigh and scratches Moose's head.

"It's nothing against you guys, really. I swear. I just... he's, really loud," she says, nodding towards Joel. "I mean, he's cute, I love him, but... I also love my sleep?" she winces.

Lise looks over and exchanges a brief look with John, who doesn't seem to be entirely caught up with what's happening.

"He woke you up, last night?" she asks and looks at Kelly. Who nods.

"Yeah," she confirms. "Three times."

At her words, Lise winces. Last night had been a bit, rough. He usually wakes once a night. Sometimes twice, when they put him to bed a little early. He went off four times, last night. Lise had hoped that Kelly hadn't heard the final two, given that she was in the living room with him. Joel had managed to throw up all over himself after she'd nursed him, and then been too upset to go back to sleep. So Lise had taken his bassinet and stayed in the living room, where she could walk around with him and bounce him and sing to him without worrying about waking John or Kelly.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes softly.

"It's fine," the younger woman waves her off. "He's a baby, I get it. It just... I kind of ranted, to Amber, about it, and she told me I was free to come sleep at her place. I know you were up for a while, last night, trying to be quiet because of me, and I just figured, it would be easier, for all of us..." she trails off. Chances a quick glance at her father, before she looks down at the cat again.

"You came to visit us," John protests softly, and Kelly lets out a sigh.

"And I am," she insists. "I'll have dinner with you and everything. I just won't be here from eleven to like, eight."

"So I won't see you again before you leave tomorrow," John points out. Joel lets out an unhappy sound when he stops bouncing him and he gives the baby a surprised look before he picks up his motion again, drawing a laugh from their son.

"I'll stop by the precinct before I drive back to Toronto," Kelly rolls her eyes.

Lise looks over at him again and when John opens his mouth, she gives a slight shake of her head. He frowns, looking at her with a confused expression.

"And this is really alright, with Amber?" she asks as she turns to Kelly again. Who seems, relieved, at the question.

"Totally," Kelly nods. "I haven't seen her in a while, actually, It'll be nice, we can catch up, with each other. You know, like, have a sleepover, like little kids."

"You're an adult," John points out, and Lise has to quickly bite her tongue before she says that adults have sleepovers, as well. Just that the nature of those is usually a different one than compared to when kids have them.

"Dad," Kelly sighs and gives a shake of her head.

"It's fine," Lise decides to chime in. Kelly looks up sharply. Stares at her, her eyes wide with surprise. "You know, you can ask Amber if she wants to come over, for dinner."

"Oh," the younger woman mutters, before she shakes her head no. "No, that's fine. I rather just hang out with you guys," she says. Rolls her eyes a little, at Lise's sceptic look. "Really," she insists. "It's honestly nothing deeper than me wanting a good night's sleep."

"Alright," Lise nods. "But you're coming over, for breakfast?" she asks, just to make sure. Kelly nods eagerly.

"Yeah," she replies. "I can pick up bagels, if you want?"

"That would be very nice," Lise nods with a smile. Looks over at John, who still looks confused, just a bit hurt.

"So I guess game night is off the table, then?" he sighs.

"Since when do we play games?" Kelly frowns at him. Shakes her head a little. "We can do it, still. I mean, Amber doesn't get off work until ten, anyway, and I know you like to go to bed around that time, anyway, if you've got work the next day."

Lise bites her lip in an effort to fight back her grin. Oh, yes, she got John there.

* * *

"Here comes the airplane."

Lise watches as John lifts the small spoon and moves it in their son's direction slowly, waiting for Joel to open his mouth.

Instead, the baby just stares at him in confusion, eyeing the spoon before he tries to grab it. John quickly pulls it back to prevent a mess, and it causes their son to let out an unhappy shriek.

"Try opening your own mouth," Lise suggests. John glances over his shoulder at her, and she gives a shrug. "Basic empathy," she explains. "Babies tend to mirror facial expressions. If you open your mouth, he'll do it, as well."

"Alright," John nods and turns his attention back to the baby. "Maman said 'open wide'," he tells him and opens his mouth as he slowly moves the spoon again.

This time, Joel does open his mouth, and John quickly sticks the spoon in it. Their son immediately closes his mouth around the strange object and John carefully pulls it out again.

Lise holds her breath for a moment, watching her son's reaction. Joel's mouth moves and his face scrunches up. He gives a shudder, but does swallow.

"Good job!" John smiles at him and boops his little nose. "See, that wasn't so bad. Wanna try again?" he asks and loads up the spoon again.

It's only the third time they're trying to feed him baby mash. His doctor said he was old enough to safely try, now, though she warned Lise to pay attention to the age recommendations on store-bought glasses.

The first time she'd tried, Joel hadn't wanted anything to do with the stuff. He'd shaken his head vehemently and started crying, so she'd abandoned the attempt and cuddled with him instead, before breastfeeding him.

Second try, he'd eaten a little bit. She'd switched to something sweet, as well, figuring that he was more likely to enjoy fruits than he was vegetables.

This time, it's vegetables. Honestly, she's glad John is doing this, because the smell of that particular thing is making her gag.

Another spoonful of food disappears into Joel's little mouth, and another, and another, and by now, the boy seems to actually be enjoying this. He's kicking his legs and waving his arms around as he laughs, attempting to grab the spoon from John.

Lise steps closer and wraps her arms around him from behind. Rests her head on his for a moment, before she kisses John's temple.

"You're doing great," she tells him, keeping her voice low. "When I was done, I had to completely change him, and needed a fresh shirt, myself," she chuckles, remembering the mess feeding Joel had been then.

"He likes this," John remarks and Lise can hear the smile in his voice.

"Apparently, yes," she nods. "I still think it's revolting, but if he's a fan," she shrugs, feigning a shudder.

"Don't listen to her," John shakes his head as he addresses their son. "She's just jealous, because she has to chew her own food."

At his words, Lise lets out a laugh and leans in to capture his lips briefly, before she straightens again and keeps watching the two guys.

"Oh," John murmurs when Joel suddenly starts pushing his food from his mouth again, instead of swallowing. "I think we're done, huh?" he murmurs and sets down the bowl and spoon before lifting Joel from his carseat. Cleans his face with his bib and then holds him up, gently patting his back.

"You did good," he tells the baby, his voice pitched a little higher. "Yes, you did. You liked that mush, huh? That was yummy, wasn't it?"

Lise shakes her head at his antics, stroking her son's head briefly.

"You want to do bedtime?" she asks John, who lets out a soft sigh.

"Five more minutes?" he pleads and it makes her chuckle.

"You actually have half an hour left," she tells him, nodding towards the clock on the wall. "I was just asking."

"Ah," John nods. "In that case, yes, I'd love to," he replies. "Any plans, yourself?"

"There's a load of laundry calling my name," Lise sighs. The dryer should be done by now, so she'll have to fold everything. Sometimes, she wonders why she bothers, especially with Joel's clothes. It seems like the moment she's put them away, she's already having to take them out of the drawers again, and just dumping them into a big basket would save her some time. Then again, she'd probably end up searching for a particular outfit and make even more of a mess.

* * *

"You okay?"

Lise lowers her hand from pinching the bridge of her nose and tries to bite back a yawn.

"Yes," she nods and gives John a smile. He leans back and mutes the TV before looking at her again. Studies her face intently.

"What?" Lise rolls her eyes. "I'm just, tired," she sighs. "He's been a handful, today," she adds with a slight frown. She loves their son, she really does. But she's starting to think he's getting sick, or something, because he's been going back and forth between being cranky and upset and giggling the entire day, and Lise just is absolutely done.

"I noticed," John nods. Tilts his head as he reaches out and brushes her hair from her face. "Wanna talk about it?" he offers and she swallows.

"He's just," she sighs and gives a shake of her head. "Maybe it's a growth spurt, or he's getting sick, or it's the fact that the replacement music box I got plays a different melody from his old one..." she trails off and tries to push down the tears of exhaustion brimming in her eyes.

"Ah, hey," John murmurs and wrap his arm around her to pull Lise against him in a one-sided hug. "I'm sorry you two are having a hard time."

"It's okay," she replies, her voice soft as a sniffle escapes her. "It's just, naptime was an absolute nightmare, he barely slept for half an hour before he woke up just screaming his little head off... I mean, not getting enough rest is one thing, but it also just, breaks my heart, to see him so upset."

"I'm sorry," John repeats and kisses her temple. Lise relaxes against him and allows her eyes to close, for a moment.

"Me, too," she replies. "I know you want to talk and have a proper conversation, but I'm just too, exhausted," she barely manages to get out before a yawn cuts her off.

"It's fine," he shakes his head. "If anything, I feel bad, about not being here, to help," he admits. Lise feels his fingers run through her hair soothingly and feels her eyes closes, relaxing further against him. Feels his chest move as he lets out a soft chuckle.

"What?" she asks and cracks open one eye.

"Nothing," John shakes his head, his lips tugged into a smile. "I was just thinking, how much this reminds me of back when you first go pregnant. You were so tired, in the beginning."

"That wasn't much fun," Lise agrees, remembering that time. Alongside with her sheer exhaustion, she'd also had to battle frequent bouts of morning sickness, at all times of day.

"No, it wasn't," John agrees. The movement of his hand stills, briefly, before it picks up again. "How's your, chest?"

"Excuse me?" she asks, her eyes snapping open as she sits up sharply, all traces of exhaustion gone. John quickly holds up his hands and ducks his head a little.

"Easy," he tells her, keeping his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "I didn't mean it in an offensive way," he adds and Lise arches an eyebrow at him as she crosses her arms.

"Really?"

He swallows and slowly lowers his hands.

"You just... Last night, you, flinched. When I touched your breasts."

Lise blinks at him, her brows dipping into a frown.

"I did?" she asks, and when he nods, she gives a slight shake of her head. "I'm sorry," she apologizes, for her reaction to his question, as well as flinching the night before, apparently. "I didn't notice... I guess I was sore?" she frowns. Coming to think of it, she has been a little uncomfortable, when Joel's been nursing, the past couple of days. It might just be because of his first tooth starting to come in. Which, now that Lise is thinking about it, is a pretty good explanation, for their son's current struggles.

"He bite you?" John flinches at the thought and Lise lets out a laugh at his pained expression.

"Kind of," she tells him. "More like, excessively nibbled," she says and presses her hand over her mouth to stifle another laugh at his horrified face.

"Little vampire," John mutters and Lise lets out a bark of laughter and collapses against him as she continues laughing.

"He is very... motivated," she giggles, causing John to snort. She feels him wrap his arms around her and pulls her in closer.

"I love you," he murmurs and nudges her temple with his nose. Lise lets out a soft sigh and leans back to brush her lips over his.

"I love you, too," she replies.

* * *

This can't be happening. It just, can't. Lise draws a shuddering breath and reaches up to press her hand over her mouth, her hand shaking.

She clenches her eyes shut for a moment before opening them again.

Lise isn't entirely sure what she was expecting, but the second pink line is still there. It's actually getting darker, she thinks as she sits down heavily on the lid of their toilet.

She can't believe this. Over a year ago, when she'd taken a test, there'd barely been a second line at first. It had darkened during the three minute waiting period, but it had still been fainter, than the control line. A positive test, certainly, but there'd been a difference.

There is none, now. The line had appeared almost immediately, and it had undoubtedly been there.

Lise draws a breath and tosses the test onto the counter before she hides her face in her hands.

She can't believe this. Having their son, getting pregnant the first time, that had taken so long, had been so difficult. And now here she is, with a positive test, and they haven't been trying. Haven't even discussed the possibility of having another child.

She loves Joel, she loves her little son so much. She wouldn't trade him for the world, he's her everything, and she is so, so happy, to have him. But this, this isn't, what she expected. Joel, he's only six months old. He's been growing so much, the past few weeks, and Lise has adored watching it happen. He's getting big, is developing a proper personality, and she is so thankful, to be there to witness it. To see him grow and change and become this wonderful little person. He's not longer this little tiny thing that only slept and fed and pooped and cried. She can actually do things with him, now. Feels like her son even understands her, sometimes, when she talks to him. He's certainly been cooing and babbling a lot, trying to talk back. And he laughs with her, and at her. He loves her cuddles and when she tickles him, loves being read to and being bounced. He has such an expressive little face that Lise sometimes feels herself just melting at the sight of one of his pouts.

And it's taken John and her so long, to really find their footing again. It feels like that has just happened, that their heads have just finally ceased spinning and they've actually managed to settle into somewhat of a routine that works for them. So this, this can't be happening. It simply cannot. They didn't plan for this, and it'll mess everything up again. Throw their lives into chaos for another year or more, and she can't even begin to start figuring out how on earth it's supposed to work, with two children.

It's not going to happen. It can't. Even if the thought makes her feel nauseous, the reality of this, it's too much. She can't do this.

* * *

She knows he's staring. Lise reaches up to pinch the bridge of her nose before she opens her eyes again. Finds John watching her, an unreadable expression on his face.

"What?" she asks, frowning a little.

"Nothing," he shakes his head. Looks down at his hands as he rubs them against each other. "I'm just..." he trails off, his brows furrowing.

Lise draws a shuddering breath, preparing herself for the outburst. She knows it's coming. Knows he's been stewing since she's told him almost an hour ago.

"In shock, I guess," John says and lets out a sigh. Rubs a hand over his face and then shakes his head before he looks at her again, his expression softening.

The funny thing is, he'd actually planted the thought in her head. Lise hadn't actually thought that it was a possibility, really, until John had joked about the return of her exhaustion and how it reminded him of when she'd been pregnant with Joel. She'd laughed it off then, but then her breasts bothering her had made her think it might not be Joel's first tooth, but her actually being really sensitive that was the issue. And the nausea had made an appearance, and she'd found herself puzzling over her calendar, before finally taking a test. The second pink line hadn't been much of a surprise at that point.

She needs an ultrasound. Desperately. Has already made an appointment, for tomorrow. She doesn't think for a moment that the second line on the pregnancy test is a false positive. John is right, this feels way too much like the early days with their son. But Lise needs to know, how far along she is. Needs to know what her options are.

The thought is killing her. They tried so hard, to have Joel. She loves him so much, and now she knows, what it is like, to be pregnant. To feel the baby grow and move inside you. What it's like, holding them for the first time. She knows what she'd give up.

But at the same time, she can't do this again, not yet. Joel is still a little baby. She can't have another one just yet. Like, when Joel turns a year old, she'll be six months pregnant, at the least. He'll barely be able to walk when she gives birth to a second child. There'll be a time period, where they'll have two children under the age of two, and Lise cannot imagine how she's supposed to deal with that.

"I know we've never talked about having more than one child-"

"John," Lise whispers his name. Cuts off whatever he was about to say. He watches her, his eyes widening slightly as what she is thinking about dawns on him.

"Lise," he mutters and scoots forward on the couch. She looks away from him and bites her lip in an attempt to keep the tears burning in her eyes from falling. She loves him. She loves him so much, and she doesn't want to hurt him, or disappoint him. But she can't, she just can't do this. Half the time, she's overwhelmed just with Joel. Adding another baby into the mix, it's unfathomable. It's a recipe for disaster, is what it is.

Lise shakes her head and draws a shuddering breath.

"Je peux pas," she whispers and hides her face in her hands. She's going to be sick, she thinks. She can feel her stomach begin to rebel, against the thought that keeps circling in her head. That keeps repeating over and over and over again.

She hears him move. Hears John's clothing rustle as he moves, hears his steps moving, from the couch over to the armchair she's sitting in. She peers through her fingers and watches him crouch down in front of her. Feels his hands come to rest on her thighs gently.

"Lise, look at me," he asks, his voice strangely soft. She swallows thickly and lowers her hands slowly. Looks down at him and wants to curl in on herself. Wants to get up and move away from him. She doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve this look on John's face, this expression of understanding, of love. She's about to break his heart, is about to tear it to pieces, and here he is, looking at her like that.

"I love you," John says and Lise lets out a whimper. "I love you," he repeats, his voice stronger and Lise looks down shamefully at their clasped hands in her lap. She can't look at him, when this is what he's saying. It's bad enough, to see it so plainly on his face. "If this is what you need to do, I understand."

Lise closes her eyes again, but she's not fast enough this time. The tears spill from them and she shakes her head as she presses a hand over her lips.

"Je suis désolée," she breathes. She is, she is so, so unbelievably sorry. For getting them into this mess, for what she's about to do in an attempt to get them out of it again.

"Me, too," John replies, his voice hoarse. She feels him touch her free hand and blindly gropes for his fingers. Squeezes tightly and leans forward a little, curls in on herself. She feels John's forehead as it touches hers and he draws a ragged breath, and Lise begins to cry in earnest.

* * *

She's staring at the image, still in complete shock.

She'd thought, six weeks. Maybe seven. The beginning of the eighth, tops.

Not nine weeks. And certainly not at the end of nine weeks.

Nine weeks, five days. Lise keeps thinking of the number, and the more she does, the harder it gets to swallow. There's a stifled scream lodged in her throat, fighting to make it to the top, to break free, and she keeps pushing it down and down again. She knows she's losing that battle. Sooner or later, she will start to scream, and then it's anyone's guess as to when she'll be able to stop. She fears the answer to that may be 'never'.

The second ultrasound with Joel, she'd been nine weeks pregnant, too. John had been there, they'd both been so excited.

He's watching their son, now. He said he'd take him to the park. Joel loves those trips. He loves watching people and looking at the dogs. He enjoys blanket time in the grass with her, and Lise loves tickling his little feet with a blade of grass. Loves the way her son laughs when she does it, and pulls up his little legs.

"I am not comfortable, doing this."

Lise swallows thickly and gives a slight shake of her head.

"Look," she starts and has to swallow again, because that scream, it's almost made it all the way up. Her GYN shakes her head.

"Lise, no," she tells her, her voice gentle but firm. "You are clearly troubled. And I will not advise an abortion for someone who is as emotionally distraught as you, not a chance."

Of all the things happening, this is something Lise hadn't considered. She blinks in surprise. Opens her mouth, then closes it again. Swallows.

"Excuse me?" she finally gets out.

"Look," her doctor starts and leans forward in her chair. Braces her arms on her desk. It makes Lise lean back in her own chair, pull away from the other woman. "I know that this isn't planned," she says. "But I remember you and John. I know how happy you two were, during your previous pregnancy."

"We're not having a second child," Lise shakes her head, frowning. "I am not doing this."

"Explain this to me," her doctor asks, searching her face. "I want to understand what's going on, Lise."

"I am pregnant, and I want an abortion," she says, only briefly tripping over the word. "That is what is going on."

"What's John's take on this?"

She swallows thickly and looks away then.

"That's," she starts and pauses, to catch her breath. Her heart's racing in her chest. "He's, supportive. Of my decision. Not that it matters," she adds, anger beginning to rise inside of her. "This is my body, my decision. It's my choice, and I've made it, and I don't understand how you can-"

"Lise," her doctor says and Lise's head whips around at the gentleness in her voice. "You burst into tears when I told you how far along you are. The whole time, during the scan, you couldn't tear your eyes away from the screen. You're clutching that picture to you like a lifeline. If this is really what you want, I will give you a referral, but right now, I am seriously doubting that this is the choice you want to make."

She takes a shuddering breath and bites her bottom lip, the pain dulling her overwhelming grief. Her GYN is right. It's not the choice she wants to make, but there isn't any other. She can't have another baby, not right now. Not yet. It would be too much, and it would be so unfair, to all of them. Especially to Joel. He's her son, he needs her right now. He's only a little baby, he doesn't understand what's going on. He won't understand any of this, if she keeps the pregnancy. This, this was supposed to be his time with her. Their year to be together, to grow with each other. He depends on her, she can't abandon him for another baby.

Lise lets out a breath and shakes her head.

"I don't know what to do," she whispers and hides her face in her hands again.

She hears her doctor let out her breath as she shifts.

"Okay," she murmurs and Lise slowly lowers her hands, wiping away the tears from the corners of her eyes. "It's Wednesday. So, what we're going to do, is this. You take a few days, to think about this. Take some time, take a breath, let all of it sink in. We'll make an appointment, for Monday morning. We'll talk again then, and if you still want it, I will give you the referral for an abortion. Does that sound like a good solution?"

Lise swallows thickly and looks away. Pinches the bridge of her nose and draws a slow breath before she nods.

It's not what she wants. She wants this to be over as soon as is possible. She needs it to be over, not drag it out for longer. It'll just hurt more, the longer she waits.

"I'm not trying to punish you," her GYN says, her voice gentle. "Or push you into keeping this pregnancy. But I am severely concerned, about what it would do to you, if this went ahead right now. I hear you, Lise. I hear what you're saying. But right now, this is what I can offer you, given what I'm seeing from you right now."

* * *

"I'll get it," John sighs against her shoulder as Joel's cries begin to invade Lise's consciousness. She feels the bed dip and hears John get up. Hears him slowly leave the bedroom, hears the nursery door open.

"Hey little man," his voice comes over the baby monitor and Lise cracks open an eye to reach out and shut off the baby monitor. She doesn't want to intrude. She hates knowing that someone else might listen in on her private interactions with Joel. It always makes her feel just the slightest bit self-conscious and awkward. She doesn't mind when it's John, but still, leaving the monitor on when either one of them is already with Joel, it leaves the lingering taste of, surveillance, and everything inside her rebels against it.

Lise rolls onto her back and opens her eyes, allowing a sigh to pass her lips.

Saturday. John's off work today. An extra day off, because he's already accumulated enough overtime to make Dyson feel just a little guilty about pulling him away from Lise and the baby during the weekend. She's not about to complain. Lise actually thinks it will be good, for them, to have two days in a row for each other.

Two more days. She has to hold on for two more days, before she sees her GYN again, for the referral. It's not so bad, any more. Lise thinks she's slowly coming to terms with this. Maybe, in as much as anyone might be able to. It's still a horrible choice, still one she wishes she didn't have to make at all. But she doesn't feel as if she's being torn apart any more.

They have to talk about it, again, she thinks. John and her. Her GYN was right, in telling her to see her again in a week, to discuss a termination again. Lise feels better, about her decision, now. Feels like she might actually be able to explain why this is the one she's making to John now. It's not like she's taking this lightly. She isn't. But it seems like the only possible choice there is, for their situation right now. If it had happened in six months, her choice would probably have been a different one. But it is happening right now, and Lise just cannot think how having another baby right now could work out, as heartbreaking as the thought may be.

She decides that, while John is tending to Joel, she can get a head-start in the bathroom. She was too tired last night for a shower, and she really needs one now.

Lise gets out of bed and makes her way to the bathroom, to get a start on her day.

When she is done and dressed, she goes to find John and their son. Who are in the kitchen, Joel in his chair, happily drooling all over a biscuit.

"Coffee?" John asks as he goes to get water for the machine.

"Non," Lise shakes her head and leans in to kiss Joel's cheek, making kissing noises as she does. Her son lets out a happy shriek and Lise quickly pulls back, before he can get his sticky fingers into her hair.

"Sorry," John apologizes when he sees her disgusted look. "I'll do bathtime."

"Oh, it's not that," Lise shakes her head and takes a step back, her hand touching her abdomen as she feels her stomach revolt.

"Oh," John murmurs and she allows a sigh to pass her lips. Steps up to him and touches his hand, to be close.

She doesn't have as much trouble, with morning sickness, as she did with Joel. Honestly, there've only been a few times when she felt really nauseous, and even less that she actually ended up throwing up. But the smell of that soggy biscuit, along with the visual, it is really testing her, right now.

"Do you want breakfast?" John asks her, his voice gentle.

"I'll stick to toast and cream cheese," Lise shakes her head. She loves when he does a full-fledged breakfast for them, but right now, chances are if Lise eats that, it'll just end up coming back up half an hour later or so.

"Oh, do we have that tomato one?" John asks, suddenly seeming rather excited about the prospect of toast and cream cheese. Lise shakes her head at him in amusement and goes to check the fridge.

Breakfast is a pretty messy affair, at the end of which, Joel looks even more like he needs a bath, with cream cheese all over his face and some in his hair, as well.

* * *

"Here you go," John murmurs and holds out the hot water bottle he made for her. Lise takes it and holds it against her abdomen, drawing a controlled breath. She closes her eyes and tries to relax, reminding herself that it's only another half hour, before she'll be able to take her painkillers again.

She feels the bed dip a little as John sits down. Feels his hand on her forehead, brushing away her hair gently before he rests the palm against her skin for a moment.

"You're a bit warm," he remarks and Lise nods.

"37.8°C," she replies. "I checked it like, ten minutes ago."

"Okay," he murmurs and Lise opens her eyes again. Watches him and reaches up to take his hand.

"I feel so..." she starts before letting out a heavy sigh. "Confused, and torn," she frowns. "I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm so, relieved, that it's over..." she trails off and closes her eyes again, in an attempt to fight back her tears.

John gives her hand a squeeze and she opens her eyes again. He watches her silently, his eyes red. She wonders, if he's been crying by himself. Or when he was taking care of Joel, earlier. Their son's in bed now, John's brought the baby monitor along, and Lise hasn't heard the baby for a while now.

"I was, reading, online," he starts, his brows furrowing as he looks at their hands and moves his fingers to entwine his with Lise's. "Do you, want to name it?"

Lise blinks at him in surprise.

"What?" she breathes, moving to sit up, flinching as her muscles protest.

John gives a shrug and reaches up with his free hand, to rub it over his face.

"Some people find it, helpful. To deal with their grief," he tells her.

It's a weird thought. They never talked about this, when she had a miscarriage. It never occured to Lise that perhaps having a name for the baby she lost would help. Truth be told, it probably would have made everything a lot worse.

"Do you want to?" she asks him as she watches his reaction. He's so, subdued. Has been the whole day, the couple of moments she's had alone with him. He put up a pretty good front, for their son, but now that the day's almost over, and Joel is in bed, the facade has fallen away, and Lise can see how tired, how weary he is. How sad.

"I don't know," John replies. He draws a breath and remains quiet, for a few moments. She wonders, if she should say something. Should push him, into talking more about his feelings. Or if she should attempt to distract him. But honestly, she doesn't really have the energy to do either. She knows he's not happy, with how this ended, and that's something she doesn't really feel up to dealing with, right now. Not with her own emotions as much of a mess as they are.

"I, don't think it would help me," Lise finally says. Withdraws her hand and scoots over, to sit at the edge of the bed, next to him.

"Okay," John whispers and Lise leans to the side a little, so her shoulder touches his.

"That doesn't mean that you can't still do it," she tells him. He frowns, turning his head to look at her in confusion.

"If you think it'll help you, if, it, has a name, then I'm more than okay with you giving it one," she says. Frowns, as she takes a moment to think. "And if you do, I'd be very happy to hear what it is."

John swallows and inclines his head. Lise feels him wrap an arm around her and pull her against him. She leans over and closes her eyes, for a moment, just absorbing his proximity.

"Lou," he whispers, tears in his voice. Lise tenses, briefly, before she relaxes again. Looks up at him and touches his cheek.

"It's okay," she murmurs. "Sh, it's okay, John," she adds when she sees him clench his eyes shut. Feels him draw a shuddering breath, and then he starts to cry and Lise feels her heart break even more as she wraps her arms around him and tries to console him, the scars on her own soul aching painfully.

* * *

"Up you go."

Lise looks up from the dinner prep, to see John pick their son up from the floor and toss him into the air, Joel's laugh filling the room.

She pauses to watch the two, her lips tugging into a smile as John hugs the baby close and showers his face with kisses, their son giggling and babbling.

He missed him, this time. Really, really missed John when he was in Toronto yesterday and most of today, as well. She did as well, but Joel had been almost inconsolable, when he'd realized that his Papa wasn't coming home yesterday, and then hadn't been there this morning, either.

"Come, let's check out what Maman is doing," John declares and Lise gives a slight shake of her head, to pull herself from her thoughts.

"Come to steal food?" she asks when John leans over the cutting board. Sees his hand, on its way to snatching a piece of cucumber, pause, before he pulls it back.

"She's good," he fake-whispers to their son. Who shrieks and throws himself in Lise's direction, his arms outstretched.

"Ah, mon ange," she murmurs and lifts him from John's arms. Kisses his cheek and holds him close. Strokes his back and moves her body in a gentle swaying motion, to calm him down a little.

"Wanna talk me through what's left to be done?" John asks, motioning towards the cutting board. Lise steps away and lifts Joel up a little, to rub her nose against his.

"Just cut the rest of the vegetables, I already made the dressing, it's in the fridge," she tells him. "Toss it together in a bowl, for the salad. There's salmon, too, that needs to be grilled. Your decision, if you'd rather mix it in with the salad, or have it separate."

"Preference?" John asks as he starts chopping up the red onion.

"I don't really care," Lise shrugs, before turning to Joel and deciding that, since it's almost bedtime for him, she can sit down and read to him for a bit, so he starts winding down.

Their son really likes book time. Though Lise thinks that he likes John's voice more. She walks over to the living area and grabs Joel's monkey and the picture book Kelly gave him. Balances Joel in her lap as she sits down on the couch, and opens the book.

Maybe it's the language, she thinks. The difference, between English and French. She has no idea, how it works, for Joel. When Lise is tired, she can drown out English conversations, or lyrics to music. They become a sort of background noise, when she switches off that part of her brain that concentrates on making sense of the words. But then again, she wasn't raised bilingual. Her parents both spoke French, always, and for the first few years of her life, Lise spoke French exclusively. She's not sure when exactly that changed. It was at school, at some point, after elementary. Her parents had put her in a French daycare, and French classes in school. They're proud, of being French-Canadian, and in a way, so is she.

Joel holds onto his stuffed monkey tightly as she reads to him, and he begins to lean back and rest against her, his eyes beginning to droop. His hand goes up and he rubs the monkey over his face, before sticking the thumb of the other hand into his mouth, and Lise has to bite back an 'aww' as her heart melts at the sight.

"Hey, sleepyhead," John murmurs as he joins them, a soft smile on his face. Lise leans down and presses a soft kiss to their son's hair, inhaling his scent as she rests her cheek against him for a moment. It scares her, at times, the speed at which he's growing. He still smells like baby, but he's getting so big now, and she catches herself thinking that she wants him to stay like this, forever. Wants these moments to last.

"You want to do bedtime?" John asks her and Lise slowly shakes her head. It'll be good, for Joel, to have his Papa put him to bed. Give them more bonding time, and cuddles, to make up for the time that John was gone.

"Bonne nuit, mon ange," she whispers as John gently lifts the baby from her lap. Joel lets out a sigh as John cradles him against his shoulder, a hand on his back. Lise watches them leave, taking a moment herself before she gets up and checks on John and her dinner.

* * *

"Sh, it's okay," John murmurs and rubs his hand up and down Joel's back as their son cries. Lise reaches up to pinch the bridge of her nose, in a futile attempt to stave off her headache.

"Ah, shit," he exclaims and turns Joel around just in time as he starts to throw up again.

The baby lets out a scream that makes her flinch, before it turns into coughing, and more retching.

"Here," Lise sighs and holds out her hands, when it seems like he's finally finished. John gives her a hesitant look, and she rolls her eyes at him before leaning forward a little. Yes, she's not feeling too great, herself, but their son seems to be rather unhappy with his father, right now. Maybe a change of person will help calm him. Plus, it'll allow John to clean himself up a little. Lise's shirt is already ruined, anyway, and they gave her a hospital gown to put on.

"Sh, mon ange," she murmurs as she holds Joel close and rocks herself as she rubs his back. Touches a hand to his forehead again, her brows dipping in concern at the hotness of his skin. He's really sick. And whatever it is he has, Lise is pretty sure he's managed to pass it off to her, too. She doesn't have a fever, but she's feeling queasy, and threw up once, as well. Thankfully, that was when John had already been home from work.

She's been to his doctor, with Joel, this morning, because he was feeling crummy, and had thrown up during the night. He hadn't had a fever then, so they'd gotten a quick checkup, to make sure it isn't anything serious. Along with the warning that, if he kept throwing up, or started spiking a fever, to seek medical attention. Of course, their son had to get sick on a Friday, and wait until Friday afternoon, when all doctors are closed, to really, really get sick.

The fever is what really has her worried. As well as the continued vomiting. She can't think of anything that he may have eaten that could cause this. At first, she'd figured that their latest experiment with new foods had backfired, but that should be all out of his system, by now.

"Aw, hello little pal," the doctor that enters the exam room greets, shrinking back a little at the volume of their son's crying.

"Sorry it took so long," he apologizes, waving at Joel. "Friday nights are," he shakes his head. "So, continued vomiting and raised temperature?" he asks, checking Joel's chart before looking at John and Lise for confirmation.

"Yeah," John nods. "He threw up last night," he explains. "And like, three more times, during the day?" he frowns, looking at Lise, who nods. "And after four, he started again, only now it seems like he won't stop, and he's gotten a fever as well."

"Anyone else sick at home?" the doctor asks them, motioning for Lise to turn their son around in her arms so he can listen to his chest.

"I'm not feeling great," she tells him with a sigh. "I don't have a fever, but I threw up earlier. Once. Though I'm still kind of feeling queasy," she tells him, holding onto their son.

"Okay," the doctor nods. "Lungs sound clear, heart's good," he tells them. "I'll check you in a moment," he tells Lise, frowning at Joel as he touches his neck and moves the baby's head around before checking his pupils with a small flashlight, causing the little boy to erupt into fresh cries. The doctor gets up and grabs an ear thermometer, gesturing at the baby.

"Which side is better?" he asks and Lise shrugs.

"No idea," she tells him. "We use a forehead one at home, or rectal, to confirm his temperature when he has a fever."

"Ah," the doctor nods. "Hold his head, please," he requests, waiting for her to get somewhat of a hold, before he tries to take Joel's temperature.

"39.6°C," he declares, sitting back down. "Has he been able to keep anything down?" he asks, making a note in Joel's chart.

"Not really," Lise shakes her head. "To be honest, I gave up on food, and just tried to get him to keep drinking throughout the day, but even that came back up."

"I see," he nods, tapping his pen against the chart and watching Joel. "Normally, I'd put on an IV, get his fluids back up, and send you home. But he's pretty, listless, and it worries me. So, I'm recommending admittance."

"Ah damn," John mutters and rubs a hand over his face.

"It'll help us monitor him. Make sure his fever doesn't get any higher, get fluids into him, give him something for the nausea. Run some tests, see if this is really a virus, or if he has something else and what you're experiencing," he says, motioning towards Lise, "is more of a psychological reaction."

It makes Lise let out an annoyed sigh. The implication that, because she's a woman and a mother, it's more likely that instead of catching her kid's bug, she gets a psychosomatic reaction that mimics their symptoms. It makes her think that, if John had said he felt sick as well, the doctor wouldn't have suggested him not actually being sick.

At least she'll be able to stay at the hospital with Joel. She wouldn't have been able to handle being separated from him, right now, not when he's so miserable and sick. And since he's so little, they are going to admit her, as well.

* * *

When she gets home, there's a huge bouquet of flowers sitting on the table, alongside a wrapped present and a card.

"John?" she calls out, frowning in confusion.

"Hey," he greets her, a little breathless as he steps into the room, balancing Joel on his hip. "Sorry, I was getting him dressed from his nap," he apologizes and leans in for a quick kiss.

"What's this?" Lise asks, motioning towards the flowers. Watches, as John's face softens.

"Happy Mother's Day," he tells her and holds out their son. Lise blinks in surprise and takes the boy, kissing his forehead absentmindedly.

"Mother's Day?" she repeats, her eyes widening when she realizes that he's right. Not only did she completely forget about this in relation to her own mother, she also hadn't thought for one second about the fact that she's now a mother, herself.

"Unless you think it's a stupid tradition, in which case I will get rid of the card, and then we can say I just got you flowers because I love you very much," John shrugs, searching her face as Lise swallows.

"You do get me flowers because you love me," she points out. Not very often, granted, and not usually as big a bouquet as this. But he has picked up a couple of roses here and there, some petunias on another occasion, and there's been a very beautiful bouquet of Yonina tulips, when he'd returned from Toronto the last time.

"True," John nods. "Look, if you don't want this..."

"I do," she shakes her head. Frowns, before letting out a sigh. "I think," she adds. "It just, I honestly forgot, about it being Mother's Day. Which means I will have to call my mother later, and apologize profusely," she adds with a sigh.

"Ah," John nods.

"Est-ce que tu veux voir ce que papa achète, pour moi?" she asks their son and hoists him up a little more on her hip before walking over. Picks up the card and feels her lips tug into a smile when she realizes that it's covered in tiny handprints.

"For the record," John tells her. "That finger paint? Really easy to wash out of clothes."

Lise lets out a soft laugh, tearing up at the sweet card.

 

> _You're my mommy and I love you very much._
> 
> _I love how you play with me._
> 
> _I love how you rock me to sleep._
> 
> _I love how you laugh with me._
> 
> _I love how you love me._
> 
> _Cuddles and kisses,_
> 
> _Joel_
> 
> _PS: I wanted this to be in French, but Papa didn't know how to write it._

Their son's name is made up of small fingerprints. She doesn't even want to have to imagine how much work it was, and how long it took, to get the baby to hold still for this.

"Merci," she breathes and kisses Joel's temple, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Here," John murmurs and holds out his hands. "I'll take him, you unwrap your present."

Lise swallows thickly, leaning in to kiss him softly before she hands their son over.

The present seems to be kind of heavy, actually. Lise furrows her brows a little in confusion as she opens the box. And presses a hand over her mouth to stifle a surprised gasp.

Inside is a cast of Joel's hands. Beneath is his name and age.

"This is beautiful," she whispers and wraps her arms around John and their son. Hugs them tightly as she tries to blink back tears.

"Thank you so much," she breathes and feels John touch the back of her head in a gentle caress.

"You're more than welcome," he murmurs in reply before dropping a gentle kiss to her head.

* * *

John and her, they have a zero tolerance policy, when it comes to corporal punishment. He's never laid a hand on Kelly, and neither did Catherine. John told Lise, about a time during a manic episode, where Catherine came close to smacking the back-then toddler. She'd been horrified, at herself, and it had been what had made her get herself committed during that particular bout. The thought that she couldn't be around her daughter, couldn't be trusted not to harm her.

It feels like she should have known what was going on. Should have figured it out sooner, should have paid more attention, to what their son was telling her.

Lise remembers being a child. Remembers countless 'love taps'. Remembers smarting slaps across her hands, taps on the back of her head, smacks on her bottom. Both from her father and mother. The hand smacking stopped around the time she turned into a teenager, along with the bottom hitting. The smacks delivered to the back of her head, they'd persisted for a lot longer.

It's that thought, that makes her feel like such a failure, as a mother. That she remembers her own childhood. Remembers what happened, how her parents could get, and utterly failed to consider that it wouldn't have stopped with her.

Lise thinks she told her mother, once. Mentioned, that John and her aren't in support of hitting a child. Lise doesn't believe that it does anything, aside from instilling fear, and confusion. Doesn't think that as a child, she ever learned anything from those slaps, aside from having to curb her own curiosity. It had felt like that, being punished for being curious, for wanting to know what was in a pot on the stove, for getting into her mother's things.

What frightens her most, is that she doesn't know how many times this happened. And she is scared to ask, as well. Seeing her mother deliver a slap to Joel's little hand when he'd tried to grab a glass of wine on the table, it had felt like someone slapping Lise right across the face.

In hindsight, she sees the signs, that something was going on. She'd just thought it was normal baby behavior. Joel crying when she handed him to her mother, him reaching for her and John when he was in her father's arms. He'd been so fussy, the last time they'd left him with her parents, so they could go out together. She never, ever would have done it if she'd known what was going on. Never would have exposed her son to such violence.

Part of her hopes he'll forget this. He's still so small, still so little, that it's likely he won't ever remember any of this, when he's older. But Lise still fears that it may have already done lasting damage. It's painful, to think that her own mother did this to her grandchild. So horrible, to think that Joel got punished for doing what a baby is supposed to do. That's how they learn about the world, by exploring it, by discovering new things, and Lise always tried to encourage her son and make sure that he's save while he tries to figure out the world around him. It makes her so unbelievably angry, to think that her own mother may have ruined all the work John and her have done.

John's still furious, about all this. Lise thinks it may have been a good thing, that he didn't actually see this happen. She's not entirely sure he'd have been able to reign himself in. Then again, Lise thinks darkly, maybe it would have done her mother some good, to know what it feels like to go up against someone your own size.

He's holding Joel on his stomach, keeping a mesh ball within the baby's reach.

"Go on," he nods. "Take it."

Joel watches him for a moment before he reaches for the toy. Grabs it, a joyous laugh leaving him as he shakes his arm, waving the toy around.

"It didn't bruise, did it?" Lise asks, her voice low as she sits down on the couch John is laying on.

"No," John shakes his head and kisses their son's cheek, blowing a raspberry on it. He seems fine, right now. He'd cried, earlier, after the smack. Maybe also because Lise had screamed at her mother immediately after, and he'd never had anything like that happen, before. She's never raised her voice with the baby, and hasn't gone off on John, either, not like this. They do have arguments, sometimes, but they never yell at each other, not like this.

"Je t'aime, mon ange," Lise murmurs and runs her hand over the back of Joel's head. He tried to turn around and John quickly holds onto him, so he doesn't fall off the couch. Sits up and puts the baby in his lap, sitting so he's facing Lise. He smiles at her and reaches out and Lise gently picks him up. Pulls him against herself and showers his face in soft kisses.

She loves him so much. And she hates herself, for failing to protect him from this.

* * *

Lise watches as Joel bangs two wooden blocks together, almost losing his balance and falling over. She quickly reaches out and steadies him, to prevent him from hitting his head.

This new fascination he has, with hitting two objects together until he loses interest and grabs two different ones, it is starting to get a little annoying, she thinks. She's tried to take away the really loud stuff, at home, but then he got cranky and frustrated when his toys weren't making any sounds at all, and Lise had to give in. These days, she seems to be living with an eternal budding headache, one that flares whenever her son discovers a new sound he can elicit from something and spends an hour exploring every variation of it.

She actually likes coming to the baby café with him. It gives her a chance to leave the house with him, and provides the baby with a semi-save environment to explore. Joel seems to like it, too, given how excited he gets, when they walk in.

Lise feels something tug on her shirt and turns a little, to see a brown baby holding onto the fabric as it tries to stand up.

"Oh, hello there," she laughs and reaches out to steady them, so they don't end up falling on their face. The baby smiles at her, dark eyes widening when it almost loses its balance and sways precariously.

"Fatin!"

The woman hurrying over looks pretty embarrassed, as she bends down, Lise thinks. She doesn't understand what she's saying to her child, but she pries the baby's hand from Lise's shirt as she kneels down next to her.

"So sorry," the other woman apologizes in accented English, and Lise gives a slight shake of her head.

"It's fine," she assures her with an easy smile. Casts a quick glance at Joel, to make sure that her son is alright and still occupied with his blocks, before Lise smiles at the other child again.

"Fatin, right?" she asks and watches the baby's mother nod, reaching up quickly to prevent her son from pulling off her hijab.

"Hello Fatin," Lise greets the boy. "My name is Lise," she introduces herself with a smile and holds out her hand. Fatin eyes it, before looking at his mother and squirming closer, looking for reassurance. The other woman says something to Fatin, before she takes his hand and gently touches it to Lise's.

"So sorry," the mother apologizes again. Frowns slightly. "English, not good," she gives a shake of her head.

"What about French?" Lise asks, tilting her head slightly. "Parlez-vous francais?"

Fatin's mother hesitates before she nods. "Yes," she confirms. "French, much better," she tells Lise while patting Fatin's back.

Lise smiles at her before reaching out, to prevent her own son from pulling on the other woman's hijab.

"Non," she tells him firmly. Lifts Joel into her arms and ignores his shriek of protest. "Ne tire pas dessus," she tells him, holding him close. Fatin's mother smiles at Joel, and waves at him.

"C'est Joel," Lise introduces him and kisses her son's cheek. "Alors, tu veux dire bonjour?" she asks, nudging the baby a little. Her son watches Fatin's mother, making a 'gimme' gesture in her direction, which causes the other woman to laugh lightly.

"Je suis Ruya," she says. She still has an accent, but it is far less pronounced. "Et c'est Fatin," she adds as she bounces her child a little.

Lise smiles at them and finds herself almost unable to stop. It's nice, to meet someone else who speaks French and seems to actually prefer it. Most of the woman that come here with their children speak English almost exclusively. Their knowledge of French doesn't extend past what they learned in school, and Lise thinks that, aside from one other mother, she's the only one who speaks French with her child. It always makes her feel somewhat of an outsider.

Ruya slowly relinquishes her hold on her son, who promptly crawls over to Lise again. Uses her to pull himself up into a standing position again, and then reaches for Lise's hair. It makes her laugh, though that may be more due to Ruya's mortified expression that the baby's antics.

"C'est bien," she assures her with a shake of her head. Pauses, to consider if she might be overstepping, before she decided to just go ahead and asks Ruya if it might be alright, if she took out her hair tie?

Fatin's mother watches her, a slightly confused expression on her face, and Lise repeats the question again, this time indicating her hair and shaking her head to illustrate. Watches, as Ruya's eyes widen a little, before she swallows and gives a slow nod.

Lise reaches up and pulls the clip from her hair, giving her head a shake. Fatin lets out an excited squeal and sinks his little fingers into her tresses, giving them a hard tug that has Lise wincing.

"Ay," Ruya exclaims and says something else to the baby. Her tone makes it sound like she's scolding him and Lise feels her gently pry Fatin's fingers from her hair. Ruya says something and takes her son's hand, gently guiding the boy's fingers through Lise's hair.

"Il est très mignon," Lise comments with a smile, once Fatin has lost interest in her hair and has moved on to exploring the blocks that are littering the blanket, abandoned by Joel. Lise watches her own son watch Fatin, before he moves over and gives a tug on the other baby's shirt.

"Non," Lise shakes her head when Joel grabs the pacifier clipped to Fatin's shirt. "C'est pas ta totette," she adds when her son sticks out his bottom lip.

Lise lets a sigh escape her and reaches for the diaper bag and goes to search for her son's pacifier. She doesn't like it when he sucks on it all the time. It's a comfort item, and she is more than willing to let him have it when he needs it. But during playtime he doesn't. It usually isn't long, before it falls from his mouth and Joel starts exploring toys orally, and Lise generally takes that opportunity to put the pacifier away.

"Voila," she declares when she finds it and holds it out for him. Joel grabs it and quickly stuffs it into his mouth, suckling vigorously. It makes Fatin's mother laugh, her dark eyes narrowing almost to slits.

The two boys seem to actually be around the same age, Lise thinks. Joel is a bit bigger, but that might simply be because John is so tall. He'd been a big newborn, as well. By motor development, she'd guess that Fatin is actually older than her son, even though he seems smaller at first glance. His motions seem more controlled to Lise, though.

It's actually funny, watching the two babies together. They are way too young, to play with each other. It's more of a 'playing alongside', and even that is kind of limited to them stealing toys from each other. Ruya leaves the blanket, for a moment, to grab her bag, keeping her son well within her sight as she does. Fatin realizes when she gets up, and his eyes widen and he watches her, his pacifier moving quickly in his mouth as he reaches for her, and Ruya lifts him into her lap as soon as she's back, kissing his head and whispering to him.

Lise isn't someone who likes approaching the other women at the café. Hasn't really met anyone here who she really likes to talk to, or spend time with. Most of these women, they are so far removed from Lise and her life and reality. But she finds she really likes Ruya. Likes the way she interacts with her child, and how gentle she is with Joel, as well. She doesn't ignore him, but smiles at him and offers him toys when she sees him reaching for something he can't quite grasp.

So Lise asks her, if she comes to the café often. Asks if she thinks that maybe, Fatin and Joel could play with each other again. Ruya frowns a little, before she procures a calendar from her bag. Pulls out an extra sheet with what looks like a schedule printed on it, though the script is in Arabic and Lise can't be entirely sure.

It turns out that Ruya and Fatin come on Mondays and Fridays, around ten. Which surprises Lise, because today is actually Thursday, and when she says so, Ruya lets out a soft laugh.

"Aujourd'hui," she starts, her brows dipping slightly in concentration, "nous avons, rendez-vous avec le docteur," she tries to explain. "Fatin, il n'aime pas bien le docteur. Alors, après, je luis prends ici. Pour... être heureux?"

Lise frowns slightly, trying to follow.

"You, had a doctor's appointment?" she translates. "And Fatin didn't like it, so afterwards, you took him here, to make him feel better?"

Ruya gives her an apologetic shrug, a soft blush coloring her tan cheeks, and Lise lets out a soft laugh before she apologizes. She honestly doesn't know, why she translated it in the first place.

"Are you coming, tomorrow?" she asks in English, before rolling her eyes at herself. Apologizes, again, and then poses the same question in French.

Ruya laughs and gives an eager nod.

"Oui," she confirms. "Le lendemain, nous sommes ici. Dix heures."

Lise smiles in reply and tells her she will see her, then. Ruya helps keep the boys busy, as Lise starts packing up their things. She forgot the time, and Joel is getting cranky. He's hungry and needs his nap, and Lise feels bad about not realizing it sooner. This is actually the first time that she forgot the time while they were here.

"Alors," she prompts her son as she picks him up after standing up. "Tu peux dire 'á lendemain?" she asks Joel. Who gives her a sad look and hides his face against her shoulder, his legs kicking out. Lise lets out a soft sigh and rubs a hand over his back. Waves at Ruya and Fatin and tells them she'll see them tomorrow. Fatin is more interested in exploring the way a wooden giraffe tastes than he is in saying goodbye, but Ruya waves at them with a bright smile.

* * *

Kelly's laughing as her little brother attempt to eat her hair. She shakes her head, the motion causing her ponytail to move, and Joel lets out a squeal and tries to grab it again.

"You're a real pest, huh?" she grins at him and boops his nose. The baby tries to escape by leaning back, but he over-balances and ends up sitting down hard on his diaper-clad rear. He blinks in stunned surprise, his face stuck between an expression of confusion and pain as he looks at Lise with big eyes.

"T'es bien," she tells her son with a smile. "Alors, te lèves," she prompts him, forcing herself to keep back, to not help him up again. Joel watches her for a moment, before looking at Kelly again, who is holding out her hands to him.

"Up you go," she smiles at the little boy. Joel blinks, looking confused and insecure, and Lise has to try very hard to resist the urge to lean over and scoop him up in her arms. He's fine. He didn't hurt himself, if he had, he'd be crying. He knows she's right here, he can see her, and if he wants to or needs to, he can crawl over easily.

Joel lets out a high-pitched sound of protest and waves his arms around.

"What?" Kelly asks with a soft laugh. "What? You're done already? No more hair chewing?"

The baby replies with babbling, making his older sister nod, acting as if she understands him.

"Yes, you certainly can keep just sitting there," she informs him. "Give your little legs a rest, huh?"

Lise finds herself shaking her head at the two of them in amusement.

These past few days, her son used pretty much everything he could to pull himself into a standing position. Once upright, he doesn't manage to do anything else, besides standing there and vocalizing his joy. Or displeasure, once he finds himself stuck yet again. So far, he hasn't figured out yet that he might be able to use his legs to move around while standing. It's fine, Lise thinks. He's only just turned ten months old. Plenty of time, to figure out walking.

Though he has to admit that he is getting rather fast, at crawling. To the point where she's contemplated getting him a little jingling bell to wear. Because there have been times where she swears she looked away for one second and when she looked back, she found him gone, and the one time she wanted her son to make a sound, he of course had remained rather silent. He'll end up giving her a heart attack, this way.

It seems that, as Joel grows older, Kelly is more inclined to visit. He's sleeping through the night, now, and she no longer gets yanked from her sleep by his crying. And what's more, he's outgrown the 'all I do is eat, sleep, cry and poop' stage, as well. His personality is really starting to come out, and Lise is so happy to see it emerge. Especially when she gets to watch him interact with Kelly. She doesn't think that Joel has a concept, for who Kelly is, in relation to himself. Lise makes sure to call her his sister, though, when she talks about her. It was weird, at first, but now it's something she doesn't have to think about, any more.

In the beginning, she actually asked Kelly, if 'sister' was fine with her, or if she wanted Lise to use 'half-sister'. To Lise, it doesn't matter. She's John's daughter, Joel is his son, therefore, she's his sister, no questions about it and no qualifier needed. But she'd thought, maybe Kelly wanted that qualifier. Maybe she wouldn't be comfortable, hearing herself be called Joel's sister when her mother was another woman and not Lise.

Kelly had stared at her before asking what she was on about. Of course it was fine, if Lise called her Joel's sister. She is, and he's her baby brother. It had made Lise tear up just a little. She knows that Kelly and her, they're, friends. Maybe. It's a bit strange, the relationship they have with each other. Like, sometimes Lise gets the sense that Kelly only thinks of her as 'Dad's new girlfriend' and then other times, she feels like Kelly genuinely likes her, as a person.

It's so important to Lise, that Kelly doesn't stop visiting. She means so much to John, she is his daughter and he loves her so much, Lise wouldn't be able to forgive herself, if she ended up driving her away inadvertently.

And she wants Joel to have a relationship with her. Wants her son to know who she is. Seeing Kelly voluntarily interact with the baby, it makes her happy. She'd been scared that she wouldn't be interested in him. Not that Kelly ever really gave her any cause for that assumption, she'd seemed kind of happy, about the pregnancy, and interested, but it still had been something Lise had found herself concerned about. But as Joel grows, it seems like it's not something she needs to worry about. If anything, it feels like the little guy has helped her own relationship with Kelly develop. It feels less tentative now, more stable.

* * *

"Euh, non," Lise shakes her head at Joel, who kicks his legs in the seat of the grocery chart and leans over to grabs something off the shelf.

"Alors, ey," she mutters and takes a box of cereal. Shakes it to make it rattle, before she offers it to her son. Whose face lights up and he grabs hold of it with a giggle, making Lise let out a sigh of relief.

They really need groceries, and she doesn't want a repeat of yesterday. John had intended to pick stuff up, after work, but then he'd gotten called out, and when he was done, all the shops had been closed already. Hence why Lise decided to tackle grocery shopping with Joel. She really, really hopes that he will behave himself for half an hour, so she can grab what they need the most.

She's pushing the cart around a corner when she almost collides with another, and finds Ruya smiling at her.

"Salut, Lise," the other woman greets her and Lise gives a slight shake of her head, to pull herself from her surprise.

"Ah tabarnak," she hisses when Joel uses her momentary distraction and drops the box of cereal. Before she can bend down to pick it up, however, a man already has it in his hand and straightens, before holding the box out to her.

"Thanks," Lise mutters, slightly embarrassed.

"Lise," Ruya says and motions towards the man, "c'est mon mari, Hanif," she introduces him, before switching to Arabic as she speaks to her husband. Lise catches her own name, and she thinks she also hears Joel's.

"Ah," Hanif mutters. "You're woman, from café?" he asks and Lise nods.

"Yes," she replies, hesitating. "Vous pouvez parler du francais avec moi," she tells Hanif. "Je suis Franco."

Hanif's brows furrow, probably because of the unfamiliar term, though he does nod.

"D'accord," he says, casting a glance at his wife, who's balancing Fatin on her hip and waving at Joel. "Euh, peut-être..." Hanif starts, frowning. "Maybe, I practice? English?"

Lise feels her eyebrows rise in surprise, uncertain of what she should say. She's fine with either, really, but she'd figured French would be easier, for him. She knows it is so much easier for Ruya. Whenever they meet up, they always speak French. Which the other woman speaks really well, Lise has come to find. They've met so many times now, at the café and outside of it, and after Ruya lost some of her initial shyness and worry about making mistakes, they've not had any trouble communicating and understanding each other.

"If it doesn't bother Ruya," Lise finally says. Watches, as Ruya and her husband converse briefly, at the end of which Ruya rolls her eyes, surprising Lise a little.

"Il est fou," she declares before bumping Hanif's shoulder. "English, English, English, all the time," she adds with another roll of her eyes, teasing her husband. Who ducks his head a little, a blush coloring his cheeks. He mutters something Lise doesn't understand, and it makes Ruya's expression soften.

"I tease," she sighs. "Sorry," she adds, lifting Fatin up higher on her hip.

"You're shopping? Picking up groceries?" Lise asks, in an attempt to take their conversation into a different direction and make Hanif feel less awkward. The man nods eagerly, pointing at his child.

"He eat lots," he tells Lise, a proud grin on his face that makes Lise laugh. He seems to have an equally cheery disposition as Ruya does. His skin is the same brown color that Fatin's is, slightly darker than his wife's, though he has green eyes, unlike Fatin and Ruya, whose brown eyes are so dark they almost appear black.

"I know someone else who does," Lise sighs and motions at her son. Who is trying to stuff his fist into his mouth, drooling around it and soaking his shirt.

Ruya says something to her husband and hands their son over to him before she takes the grocery cart. Motions for Hanif to go ahead, though he hesitates a moment before he does.

"Je lui dire, je veux parler avec toi," Ruya giggles when Hanif has disappeared down the aisle.

"Oh?" Lise mutters, surprised. They start to slowly make their way down the aisle, Lise consulting her list of groceries.

"Aujourd'hui, j'ai oublié de te dire, j'ai du rendez-vous avec docteur?" Ruya nods, casting a quick glance around. "Hanif et moi, nous... autre bébé," she whispers, her smile threatening to split her face. Lise blinks in surprise, her brain needing a second to catch up.

"Wait," she declares and touches Ruya's arm briefly. ";Tu es enceinte?

"Enceinte," she repeats slowly, her expression one of wonderment. "Je suis, enceinte?" she tries and Lise nods, to signal it's correct. Ruya nods, as well, a big grin on her face.

"Felicitations," she tells her and lifts her arms a little, unsure of it's alright to hug her. Ruya hesitates for a moment, then leans in and hugs Lise, a giggle leaving her.

"Et Hanif," Lise starts as they part again. "T'as lui dire?"

"Oui," Ruya nods quickly. "Il est..." she starts, then mimics an explosion coming from her head. It makes Lise laugh. Yeah, she can easily believe that Ruya's husband is a bit, overwhelmed. She felt much the same way, when she found out. Though judging from the happiness Ruya is radiating, this will have a different outcome than Lise's pregnancy had.

It's, strange. She's happy, for her friend, she really is. But at the same time, she finds herself just a little jealous.

The appointment explains why Lise didn't see her at the café, today. She'd been slightly worried. It hadn't seemed like Ruya, to not come by. She doesn't have a cell phone, so Lise couldn't just text her and ask if something was wrong, though she did give her her own number. Just in case Ruya ever needed to call her, or needed something.

They slowly make their way down the aisles, filling their carts. Hanif is waiting for them at the cash register, and Lise is both surprised and touched when he helps her put her things on the belt and then lifts them back into the cart once they've been scanned.

"You want to come?" Hanif asks her as they step outside. "Our place, for dinner?"

Ruya's eyes widen and she swats his arm, laying into him in rapid Arabic that makes Lise smile a little in amusement. Yeah, she probably would have done the same, had John decided to invite someone over without consulting with her first.

Hanif frowns and argues back, gesturing. Ruya finally ends up crossing her arms and raises her eyebrows at him, and he ends up ducking his head.

"Sorry," he apologizes. "I forget, today, not good."

"It's fine," Lise assures him. "John and I actually have plans, for tonight."

"John?" Hanif asks, his brows furrowing.

"Joel's father," Lise helps him out. She's pretty sure she's said John's name before, to Ruya. Which makes it seem strange, that Hanif doesn't know it. She knew his name, Ruya having talked about him a little in the past.

"Ah, John," Hanif nods, an accented version of John's name leaving him. Okay, that explains how he didn't recognize his name, Lise thinks.

"You and John and baby," he says, hesitating briefly, "Joel, you come, dinner. Sometime. Yes?"

Lise looks at Ruya for guidance, and finds she's relieved when the other woman nods eagerly.

"Yes, come," she says and smiles at Lise, who nods.

"Okay," she agrees, laughing herself. "Uh, Ruya, she has my number," she tells Hanif. "You can call me, so we can find a date?" she suggests. At his lost expression, she translates what she just said into French, and Hanif grins somewhat sheepishly as he nods.

* * *

Lise reaches up to run a hand through her hair. Watches as John frowns at the piece of wood in the vice, before he picks up another tool and sets to work on it.

He's been all broody, since they got back from the restaurant. She gets it. Well, not really. But she can understand why he is a little upset. May be peeved.

She's put Joel down for a much needed nap. The restaurant was so exciting for him, all the new things and impressions, he'd been extremely overwhelmed and cranky when they got back.

"What are you working on?" she asks as she approaches John. He looks up and his lips tug into a brief smile, before his face darkens again. He gives a shrug and runs his fingers over the piece.

"Don't know just yet," he tells her. "I thought, maybe he'd like some animals, to play with," he shrugs and Lise steps up behind him. Leans in to kiss his cheek and rest her chin on his shoulder. There are a few wood pieces lined up on the workbench, with animal outlines drawn on them. She thinks she can spot a giraffe and a sheep, maybe a shark. Now she's really wondering, which he is working on, right now.

"Are you alright?" she asks and runs a hand through his hair before she wraps them around him.

"Sure," John nods, his voice clipped. "You know, I can't work like that," he adds when she doesn't move away.

"I know," Lise murmurs and nudges his cheek with her nose. Hears him inhale and then feels John move. She lets her arms fall away as he stands, stepping back to make room for him.

"Look-"

"I don't want you brooding," she tells him. Watches, as his eyebrows rise slightly. "She made a mistake. An honest mistake. Joel was in Kelly's lap, it's perfectly normal for the waitress to assume he's her kid."

"So I had to be the grandpa," John shakes his head.

"Kelly does call you Dad," Lise reminds him. Shifts and crosses her arms briefly before she opens them again. Reaches out to take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze. "I love you," she tells him.

"Yeah," John frowns and Lise finds herself rolling her eyes at him.

"You're being ridiculous," she tells him. "You're not that much older than me, you know."

"I'm still old enough to be our son's grandfather," John shakes his head. Lise lets out a soft laugh.

"And I could be his grandmother," she shrugs. "Theoretically, someone who's forty could easily be a grandparent and neither them nor their child would have had to to be teenagers for that to be possible," she points out.

John lets out a snort and Lise takes a step closer. Looks up at him and cradles his face in her hands briefly, before she reaches up and draws the fingertips of her right hand over the lines on his forehead.

"Je t'aime," she murmurs and pulls him down into a soft kiss. "Grey hair and wrinkles included."

"Lise," he mutters, a warning edge to his voice. It makes her let out a sigh and lean back.

"Look at it this way," she offers, "the reason why we are together, is because we are the people we are, right in this moment. If we'd met sooner, when we were younger, we wouldn't have started dating any earlier. You'd still be with Catherine, I'd be dating Josh or married to him. We're compatible, because of what our lives have been, how they've shaped us."

"Hm," John hums and leans down a little, to rest his forehead against hers. "I love you," he whispers and Lise feels herself relax a little.

"I love you, too," she responds.

"Just, out of interest... does the beard make me look older?" he asks with a sigh. Lise tries to bite down a laugh, but her shoulders still shake with silent laughter at his question.

"Non," she shakes her head and kisses the tip of his nose before stepping back. "It's the lack of sleep," she tosses at him over her shoulder as she heads back upstairs, to check on the baby.

* * *

"It's just a scratch," John chuckles softly.

"You're an asshole," Lise shakes her head. Reaches up and wipes at the tears on her face before she feels it crumbling again and bursts into fresh tears.

John lets out a soft sound and wraps his left arm around her, pulling her close. She reaches out and wraps her arms around his middle. Presses herself against him and shudders.

"Do not ever do that again," Lise breathes against his chest. Feels his arm leave her back and then his hand is gently brushing her hair away from her face.

"I'll try not to," John replies and she shakes her head at him again.

Okay, so maybe this one wasn't his fault. But he should know better, than to chase after a fleeing suspect in an unmarked car. He's lucky all he injured when he got run off the road was his shoulder.

That doesn't mean she hasn't been worried sick. Lise actually gets that, now, that turn of phrase. Because she did end up throwing up from nerves as she waited to hear what was going on with him.

"I can't do this, without you," she whispers, her throat constricting as she clenches her eyes shut against more tears. She can't lose him. She loves him, loves him so, so much. If John wasn't here anymore... Just the brief thought makes it difficult for her to breathe.

She feels his hand move to stroke her cheek and leans back a little, to look up at him with tears in her eyes. John sighs and leans down to brush his lips over hers. The contact makes her relax a little, as does being close to him. Being able to see that he's alright.

She doesn't want to even begin to imagine, what it would be like, her life, if he weren't there any more.

"Sorry," he murmurs, ducking his head a little sheepishly.

"I am sorry," Larren says when she meets them halfway to the family room, bouncing a very unhappy Joel. "He's been inconsolable for the past half hour, I was just about to find you."

"Hey little man," John mutters and reaches out to touch the baby's head. Lise lifts him from Larren's arms and kisses her son's cheek, whispering softly to him. He quietens almost instantly, once he's snuggled up against her.

"You look," the other woman frowns at John, "better than I expected," she declares. He gives a shrug, following it up with a pained wince, one that makes Lise think he deserved that one, for being such a moron.

"Popped it back in its socket," he tells her. "Gotta wear the sling for a while, but that's it."

"Plus a concussion," Lise adds. "And some bruised ribs."

"Still got of easy," John argues and she gives him a look that says not to push it. Yes, he was incredibly lucky that nothing got broken and he can walk out of here. That doesn't mean he gets to shrug this off like it's nothing.

"I hate you," Larren declares, her eyes narrowing. "Aside from making all of us worry, you do realize you've now effectively stuck me with McLeod, as my field partner?"

"What about Szelagy?" Lise frowns, trying to remember if there's something between Larren and him that prevents them from going into the field together.

"He's got court all month," Larren sighs. Sees the small grin on John's face and gives him a whack on his good arm. "Asshole."

"Language," John scolds her with a look at Joel. It makes Larren's eyes widen.

"I am so sorry," she breathes. "Is he..."

"Babbling, yes," Lise nods. "No complex words, and I doubt that would be on the list of the ones he might attempt," she tells her. "But anything that's shorter, please don't use it around him," she requests, rubbing a hand down her son's back. He seems to have calmed down, now. Which no doubt is aided by the fact he's sucking on his thumb, again.

"Where's his," she frowns and gestures towards her mouth, actually forgetting the English word for a moment.

"Oh," Larren jumps and pulls Joel's pacifier from the pocket of her pants. At Lise's incredulous look, she blushes a little. "Hey, he spat it out. I rinsed it off, but when he still didn't want it, I just..." she shrugs. "I kind of had my hands full."

"Gimme that," John sighs. "I'll wash it off."

"You don't have to," Lise shakes her head. "There's a back-up in the diaper bag."

"Okay," he nods and puts it in his own pocket. "Now, can we please leave? Because I'm pretty sure he," he says, pointing at Joel, "is not supposed to be around really sick people."

He has a point, there. And honestly, Lise is eager to get home. Today's just been a rollercoaster of emotion, and she wants to be home, with John and their son, so she might be able to relax a little.

* * *

Kelly asked her, if Lise and her could 'hang out' with each other. Just the two of them, without John or the baby.

Lise wants to believe, that it's just Kelly wanting to spend time with her, uninterrupted, but she's seen the faces the younger woman has been making. Heard the many intakes of breath that ended in soft sighs. Watched Kelly open her mouth ten times now, without her ever saying anything.

John is at the park, with Joel, and Lise knows they are starting to run out of time. Eventually, he'll return, because their son needs his lunch and his nap. And whatever it is that Kelly has been working up to saying, she won't be able to get it out with her father around. Else, she wouldn't have asked for time alone with Lise. So she figures that maybe, giving her a little nudge will help her along.

"Was there anything you wanted to talk about?" she asks, keeping her voice low as she tilts her head at the movie currently playing on the TV. Kelly selected it, though Lise is pretty sure that the younger woman knows it by heart. Or isn't interested in it at all. Either would account for her not paying it the slightest attention.

"I, uh..." Kelly murmurs and reaches up to rub her hand over her forehead. "I, want to, tell you, something," she stammers. Lise nods and turns a little to be able to better look at her. "I, kind of need you to, promise me. That you won't tell Dad."

"Kelly..." Lise frowns. "This is making me uncomfortable," she tells her outright. "I know you're an adult, you have your own life, and there are things your dad doesn't need to know about. But asking me to promise I won't tell him about something when I don't know what that is... I can't do that, I'm sorry," she shakes her head, feeling guilty about her words the next moment. She doesn't want to have to choose, between John or his daughter. She loves them both, she wants to protect Kelly. But this, this is, crossing a line.

"Look," Lise adds when Kelly looks down at her nails with a frown. "We can, narrow it down, alright?" she suggests. "If you tell me you've done something illegal, chances are I'll tell him. Depending on how big it is, I mean. Like, minor offenses, maybe he's better off not knowing, unless you've been caught, in which case, trust me when I tell you he will find out and it would be in your interest to tell your dad before he does."

"It's nothing illegal," Kelly shakes her head, her shoulders slumping. "It's just, it's, private. And I don't want him to, go off," she sighs and rubs her hands over her face.

"What's going on?" Lise asks, lowering her voice. Searches Kelly's face. "You're not pregnant, or married, are you?" she asks the first two things she can think of, that might make John mad if he finds out Kelly kept it from him.

No," the younger woman quickly shakes her head. "Okay, alright," she nods to herself and rubs her hands together. "You know how, couple weeks ago, I stayed at Amber's, when I was here?"

Lise nods. Sees the brief tug on Kelly's lips into the barest hint of a smile. And feels her heart jump into her chest.

"We, talked, a lot. I mean, I remembered that, working with her during the summer break, that it was fun, but I guess I, forgot, how much fun she could be. When I went back to Toronto, we kept texting each other. A lot. She came to visit me, a few times. And, I..." Kelly says, sitting there with her mouth open for a moment. "I'm sorry, I can't," she suddenly breathes and hides her face in her hands again. Lise swallows and wonders, if she should just, let it go.

But then she reaches out and gently takes Kelly's hands. Pulls them away from her face slowly, gradually. Her hold is barely there, if Kelly wanted to, she could easily pull away.

"Are you dating Amber?" she asks her, keeping her voice low and soft. Kelly swallows thickly and then nods, once, mutely. Closes her eyes as she takes a shaky breath and pulls her hands from Lise's grasp.

"Oh sweetie," she breathes when she realizes that the younger woman is fighting back tears. Gently touches her shoulder before rubbing her hand over Kelly's back in a soothing caress.

"You've never said this before, have you?"

Kelly shakes her head, a soft sniffle coming from her.

"I'm sorry," she breathes and lowers her hands a little to wipe away her tears.

"It's alright," Lise shakes her head. "Take a moment. It's a lot, take as much time as you need."

"It, just, I like her, so much," Kelly frowns and then gives a sharp shake of her head. "But it's, it's not just that," she breathes. Leans forward to grab a Kleenex from the box on the couch table. "It's, I, I've never, really... being with guys... it's always been, difficult. And like, my last semester, I started wondering, why it was so hard, to bring myself to date one of the male students. Why it never felt like I was really, present?" she tells Lise and rubs her hands over her face again.

"It's alright," Lise tells her. "You don't have to say any more, if you don't want to," she says, and then frowns at her own words. "I'm not saying that because what you're telling me is making me uncomfortable. It's not," she explains, hoping that Kelly can believe her, since it is the truth. "I just don't want you to force yourself to tell me something you're not ready for."

"I, think I, need to. Say it," Kelly frowns and casts a quick glance at her. Lise gives her a soft smile she hopes is encouraging, and nods.

"Alright. I'm here," she tells her. "I'm here, I'm listening. And I will still be here, after you've said what you need to. That's a promise."

Kelly swallows thickly and nods, her jaw working.

"I, I'm, gay," she breathes. Blinks, and then starts to sob uncontrollably.

"Euh, sh," Lise whispers and pulls her into a hug. Rubs Kelly's back as she whispers to her that it's alright, it's okay, she's fine.

"It's okay," she murmurs and strokes her hand over the back of Kelly's head. "I am so, so proud of you," she tells her, keeping her voice low. "And I am very honored, that you trust me and shared this with me."

She feels Kelly nod mutely and then she leans back a little, wiping at her face in an attempt to get rid of the tears.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "It just, I... It felt so good, to say that."

"I know," Lise smiles at her and reaches out to touch her cheek. "I am very proud of you."

Kelly ducks her head a little at that.

"Oh gosh, I'm a mess," she mutters and lets out a nervous laugh. "I'm, sorry. I didn't know it was..." she trails off, casting a glance at Lise. "I didn't mean to bawl all over you."

"It's fine," Lise waves her off. Searches her face for a moment. "I love you," she tells her. "And I think you already know this, but I'm going to say it, because you need to hear it being said. I love you, and who you fall in love with, or sleep with, has no influence on that. You're still the same person you were two hours ago, and I love you just as much as I did then. You hear me?"

The younger woman swallows thickly before she nods.

"I think I do," she replies. "Though I might, need a reminder? At some point."

"Just say when," Lise nods easily. Frowns a little, then takes one of Kelly's hands to give it a soft squeeze. "I won't tell John," she tells her, keeping her voice low and soft. "But I think you should tell him. Not because he deserves to know. This is yours, you don't have to share this with anyone you don't feel comfortable knowing. But I think, it would be good. If you heard him say how much he loves you, after you tell him."

Kelly looks away then, worries at her bottom lip.

"I've never... I never even, hinted, at this. We've never talked about stuff like this..." she trails off, her brows furrowing. "I know he's not a total asshole," she sighs. "But... this is, different," Kelly frowns. "I'm not, you. I don't ever want to date a guy again. There's not a chance of me getting married to one."

"I heard that," Lise nods. "Loud and clear," she adds, hesitating. She wants to say more. She wants to tell Kelly that she thinks she underestimates John. That it won't matter to him, that his daughter's gay. It might be a shock, especially because Kelly just said she's never mentioned anything like this to him, before. But Lise honestly believes that, once the first shocked moment has passed, nothing will have changed, for John. He'll still love her, with all his heart, and support her anyway he can.

She bites back the words, though. She doesn't want to push Kelly into doing something she's not ready for. Nor does she want her to think that Lise doesn't understand how scared she is, of a bad reaction. She gets it, she gets that fear, understands it perfectly well. She'd been terrified, of telling her parents herself. And honestly, her own father's reaction hadn't been great. Neither had her mother's, coming to think of it. And Lise remembers, remembers how much that had hurt. She'd known beforehand that she wouldn't get applause and happy smiles. But to have her father leave the room, to have him literally turn his back on her as he walked out, that had been a level of pain she hadn't been prepared for, even when she'd figured it might happen.

* * *

"Gieh."

Lise looks down at her son and furrows her brows a little at him. Joel stands there, holding onto the handle of the kitchen cupboard door to hold himself up. He has one hand stretched out in her direction, making a 'gimme' gesture at her.

"Qu'est-ce que tu veux, mon ange?" she asks him. Joel stomps his little feet and moves his hand again, a frustrated look crossing his face.

"Mamamama," he shrieks and Lise flinches at the volume.

"Non," she shakes her head at him. "On ne fait pas ca."

Her son frowns at her and Lise has the distinct impression she knows just what's going to happen now. And sure enough, he lets go of the cupboard and lands on his little butt on the tiles of their kitchen before bursting into tears.

"Euh, Joel," she sighs. "Arrêtes. Arrêtes, je te dire," she repeats and picks him up. Holds him close and rubs his back in an attempt to soothe him. "Qu'est-ce que tu veux, hein?"

Her son leans against her and sniffles loudly before he rubs his face against her clavicle. Lise feels him shudder against her, a loud sigh leaving the little boy as he tightly holds onto her shirt.

"Je t'aime, mon ange," she murmurs and kisses his cheek. Once, twice, and then again, for good measure. Leans back and looks at her son, gently wiping the tears from his face. "Tu est fini?" she asks him gently. "Pas plus de larmes?"

Joel hiccups and Lise pats his back again, kissing his cheek.

"Alors, t’es bien, hein?"

Her son gives her what can only be described as a doubtful look, and Lise lets out a soft chuckle at his facial expression. Carefully boops his nose, before she kisses it softly.

Her son blinks at her. Sniffles and holds on tightly. It makes her heart constrict as she rocks herself a little. Gently holds him and rubs his back as he shudders against her, holding tightly onto her shirt.

"Et maintenant?" she asks him. "Qu'est-ce que nous faisons, maintenant, hein?"

She thinks he might be fine, if she sat him down again. He seems to have calmed down enough for the moment. Lise cuddles him again and then starts to bend over, her hold changing on Joel. Which turns out to be a terrible mistake, on her part. As soon as she does, Joel erupts into fresh tears and loud wailing.

"Ah crisse," Lise breathes and straightens again with a sigh, holding her son against her. These frequent crying fits are starting to get really annoying, she thinks. But then again, if they are getting on her nerves, she can only imagine how Joel feels, with this rollercoaster of emotions he seems to be stuck on.

"Okay, okay," she murmurs as she walks over to the living room with him and sits down on the couch, Joel in her lap.

"Sh, c'est bien," she whispers to him. Rubs his back in soothing circles and gives him her free hand to hold and squeeze. Joel shudders, his tears slowly ceasing as he leans against her. "Je suis ici," she keeps repeating over and over again. "Maman est ici, tu es bien."

She watches as he sticks his thumb into his mouth, sucking on it as he closes his eyes. Lise leans in to kiss his hair, before she rocks them a little while she hums a lullaby under her breath.

He does calm down, eventually. Lise feels her heart constrict at the sight of his blotchy little face and takes him to the bathroom, to wipe the tears away with some cold water. He's still tense and extremely clingy, and she can't set him down and let go of him, or he'll start to scream again.

These are the moments when she wishes that John were home, and she could have like five minutes to herself, to get some energy back.

They are also the moments when she wonders what would have happened, if she'd kept the pregnancy. She doesn't like to think about it often, it still hurts, still makes her heart ache. But she cannot imagine having to deal with moments like this while heavily pregnant, and part of her is very glad that she won't have to find out.

* * *

"Ah, non," Lise murmurs and quickly grabs the jiggling ball from Joel's hand. Moose is close, her butt wiggling slightly while her pupils are wide. The baby lets out an unhappy wail as she tosses the ball it down the hallway, Moose racing after it.

She bends down and picks him up. Kisses his cheek and tries to shush him. He hadn't intended on doing it, but playing with the cat's toy had triggered her 'play' response and even though Moose has been exceptionally good and patient with him, Lise doubts that this episode wouldn't have ended in scratches, hissing and a lot more tears.

"Oui, je sais. C'était pas gentil, huh?" she murmurs as she rubs her hand down Joel's back. Lowers herself to the floor with him, holding him close as he calms down slowly. Lise watches as he tries to wipe his tears away and she helps him, smiling at the baby.

"T’es bien?" she asks him, stroking his cheek. Joel looks around and moves, making her carefully let go of him as he crawls off, grabbing his crinkle book and sitting down to play with that. Lise watches him for a moment, thinking she'll go back to folding laundry just as Moose returns. Slowly walks over and sniffs the crinkle book Joel is holding.

Lise draws a slow breath and scoots closer, ready to intervene. And then Moose rubs her face against Joel's little fist holding onto the toy, drawing a giggle from him and Lise feels her heart melt further as the cat plops down next to him, her tail moving slowly.

"You're a good cat, huh," she murmurs and reaches out to pet Moose, running her fingers through her fur. Moose chirps and turns on her back to watch Lise, slowly blinking at her. "Yeah, I love you, too," the brunette smiles and leans down to kiss the cat's head, hearing Moose purr loudly.

Lise slowly gets up and goes to grab the tub of laundry before sitting down on the floor and starting to fold the clothes up, checking on Joel every once in a while.

The baby abandons his crinkle book after a while, crawling around and trying to get into the laundry basket a few times. Lise picks him up and cuddles with him, before her son seems to grow tired of it and she lets him explore their living room some more. Watches, as he pulls himself up with the help of the coffee table and stands there for a little. Lise smiles at him when Joel looks over, making him let out a laugh and slam his hands down onto the table, once, twice. As he lifts them for the third time, he loses his balance and falls onto his butt, startling Moose up. Joel blinks, his brows furrowing before he gets up again.

The cat trots over and sniffs at him. Rubs herself against his side, toppling Joel over again. Lise is ready to pull her back, to pick him up, but instead of crying, the baby giggles, and reaches for the cat's fur, his little fingers twisting into it. Moose steps over him and licks his forehead before laying down next to him, trying to groom the wiggling baby.

"I don't think he'll hold still for you," Lise shakes her head at the cat and her attempt to hold Joel down as the baby turns around and goes back onto all fours, crawling away from the cat. Moose sits back and watches him before turning her eyes onto Lise with a look of mild exasperation.

'Your kid, go do something about it,' she seems to be saying. Lise shakes her head at the pet and gets up to check and see if Joel needs a new diaper.

* * *

Lise tilts her head a little and looks across the porch.

It's a pretty funny picture, she has to admit. John standing there, hunched over, his hands in his pockets as he leans over the improvised barbecue and watches Hanif work.

"Ils sont très mâle, hein?" Ruya asks, her voice deadpan. Lise blinks at her and then the other woman's lips tremble, and the two of them erupt into giggles.

"What's so funny?" John calls over and Lise shakes her head helplessly, holding her sides.

"Nothing," she calls back. "You're looking great," she adds at his confused look. She sees him frown then, though he returns to the discussion he was having with Hanif.

It's actually the second time they're over. The first one was cut a bit short, when Fatin had ended up throwing up and wouldn't be consoled, so Lise, Joel and John had left, to let the little guy calm down.

The two boys are in bed already. Fatin in his crib, and Joel in a transportable one they got, for occasions like this. It's easy to set up and fold back together, and it provides him with a save sleeping space he can't fall out of. Lise never feels comfortable, letting him sleep in a bed without barriers around it. She always thinks that he might wake up and end up trying to crawl out of it and hurt himself in the process.

"Sleep?" Ruya asks when Lise checks the baby monitor's video feed, just to make sure. She shows her the video and the other woman nods, satisfied, when she sees the two boys sleeping soundly.

"I think they wore each other out," Lise smiles, remembering how the boys had attempted to chase each other around the room. Fatin is definitely further along in his motor development, he's able to stand and take a few steps without help, while Joel needs to be holding onto something. But then Fatin's mostly quiet and rarely vocalizes, whereas Joel babbles almost all the time, and Lise can recognize a few words. Like maman and papa, dada, lolo, and some attempts at jojo. Kelly is 'Lieh', and Moose is 'Moo'. 'Dada' keeps confusing her, it always throws her when Joel says it. To Lise, it's horse, it's baby talk for a horse, but when Joel says it, he usually means John. Sometimes it's a more general 'this I want that', sometimes it's a 'over there'. But most of the time, it's his dad he's asking for.

"You enjoying yourselves?" John asks as he walks over to join Lise and Ruya. Lise smiles at him and nods, reaching out to take his hand.

"We eat?" Ruya asks him with a slight frown and John looks behind him for a moment.

"Five more minutes," he declares. Lise can see the hand twitching at his side as he reigns in the instinct to hold up five fingers. She has a pretty good grasp on what Ruya understand, and what she struggles with, but he's still pretty clueless. Number up to ten are fine in English, it gets a bit fuzzy after that, and Lise tends to use French, anyway.

"You like wine, with food?" Hanif asks, and John slowly shakes his head no.

"We got bottle, for you," he adds and Lise thinks she actually sees her husband blush a little.

"That's very kind of you," she says and gives a slight tug on John's hand.

"I'll, have a glass, then," he nods. Hanif gives her a look and Lise shakes her head no.

"No, thank you," she declines. She doesn't like to drink, when she has to drive. Especially not when their son is in the car, as well.

Hanif nods and says something to Ruya, who rolls her eyes before getting up.

"Come inside, yes?" she asks them and Lise lets John pulls her up. Uses the moment to lean up and brush her lips over his in a soft caress.

"I thought they didn't drink," he murmurs.

"They don't," Lise nods. "I think they really just got a bottle for us."

"Oh," he breathes and Lise smiles at him. "You okay, with driving?" he searches her face and Lise lets out a soft laugh.

"Yes," she nods. "You can have a drink, or two, if you'd like. I'm fine with driving us home."

"Thank you," John replies, kissing her forehead gently

She absolutely adores the food Ruya and Hanif serve. It's always great, and plenty.

It was a bit funny, earlier, to watch Joel try the homemade baby mush Ruya had made for Fatin. He'd eaten it, though his expression had been a cross between confusion and dislike for most of it, so Lise had switched to his usual cereal after a while, to make sure that her son wouldn't go to bed hungry. Fatin hadn't been interested in Joel's food, though. Ruya had fed him a spoonful and he'd shaken his head vehemently at the taste, before reaching for his own bowl again.

She likes Ruya and spending time with her. Likes Hanif, as well. And Joel certainly enjoys spending time with Fatin, even when they sometimes end up crying because one has accidentally upset the other.

And she thinks John likes the couple and their son, as well. He doesn't always seem to know how to act, around Ruya alone, but Lise has heard him chuckle repeatedly while he'd been talking to Hanif.

But it is kind of hard, as well, to be around Ruya at times. She's so happy, about her pregnancy, and now that she's beginning to show, Lise finds herself torn, between feeling happy and excited for her friend, and wishing that she could share this, with her. She's painfully aware, of her own supposed due date creeping closer, and it is making her wonder, if they made the right decision. If she made the right choice all those months ago. She thinks so, most of the time, but then there are moments when she can't deny that she is kind of sad, as well and Lise finds she's having trouble reuniting the two feelings.

"The wine wasn't very good, was it?" Lise asks after they've left and John put Joel to bed.

"No," he shakes his head with a laugh. "But the thought was a nice one," he adds with a slight frown. "You've been..." he starts and searches her face.

"I've been what?" she asks him, tilting her head at him.

"I don't know," he sighs. "Kind of quiet, I guess."

"I'm just tired," Lise assures him and takes his hand while she tries to find a comfortable position on the couch.

"Does it bother you?" John asks her, his voice soft. "Ruya being pregnant, I mean."

Lise lets out a soft sigh and rubs her free hand over her forehead.

"I wouldn't say it 'bothers' me," she says, after a while, frowning. "But it's, difficult, sometimes," she admits. "Especially when she is so happy about every little thing. I mean, I get it, and I'm happy for her, really. Just, sometimes... I wish that could have been, us," she breathes and closes her eyes in an attempt to stave off the tears that are burning in them.

"I'm sorry," John apologizes with a soft voice. "I didn't mean to..." he frowns and Lise shakes her head at him.

"It's okay," she tells him. Reaches up to stroke his cheek gently, and searches his face. "How do you feel, about it?" she inquires gently. He swallows and inclines his head with a soft sigh.

"Kind of torn," he admits. "Hanif's really happy, about the baby. I guess it's just... it's kind of painful, having a reminder of what we, decided against."

Lise swallows thickly.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, a huge lump in her throat. John frowns at her, before his eyes widen and he quickly shakes her head.

"No," he murmurs and pulls her up to pull Lise into a tight embrace. "I'm not blaming you," he whispers and she clenches her eyes shut against the new onslaught of tears. "And I'm not angry, or upset, with you," John adds before leaning back. Brushes his lips over hers in a soft caress. "I just, feel sad, sometimes. That it didn't work out for us. In the same way you get sad, when people leave your life. No one that was really important, I don't mean that. But like, friends, from university, when you realize that your life is so different from theirs now, and reconnecting wouldn't make sense," he frowns. Gives a slight shake of his head and touches his forehead to Lise's with a soft breath.

"I love you," he tells her. "And after everything, I think it was the right choice," he mutters. "But it makes me sad, sometimes, that we had to make it."

"Me, too," Lise breathes and hides her face against his neck. Wraps her arms tightly around his chest and holds onto him.

* * *

With a smile, she pulls the zipper up on Joel's jacket, kissing her son's cheek.

"Alors," she mutters and grabs the diaper bag and gets up, offering her hand to her son. Who reaches up with both of his, drawing a sigh from Lise, though she does pick him up and opens the door to the house, to carry him to the car.

"Bonjour," Lise greets as she steps into the small daycare, Joel holding onto her hand. He'd wanted to walk, from the car, and Lise is taking any opportunity not to carry him that she can get.

"Bonjour Joel," Sarah smiles at the boy and offers her hand to him. Lise feels his grip tighten on her own hand. Crouches down and gently touches Joel's belly.

"C'est bien," she tells him. "C'est Sarah. Tu connais Sarah, mon ange."

"It's fine," the other woman gives a slight shake of her head when Joel doesn't move towards her. Her smile doesn't falter, though. "I'd have been surprised, if he'd taken it right now," she adds. "We'll try again later, when he's had a chance to really get here, mentally."

Lise swallows and nods.

"So, I undress him?" she asks and Sarah nods.

"Yes," she confirms. "You help him undress, change his shoes. I'd like to sit down next to him, if he lets me. Just to get him used to me being around. Everything else is the same as yesterday. We join the others, and see what he does. It's his fourth day, so if you are okay with it, I'd like to see if he takes food from me today. I'll have a go during snack time, if that's alright?"

Lise swallows, then nods. "Sure," she allows. This is, this is what it's about, right? To slowly get Joel used to being here. To get him to trust the staff of nursery nurses, and be comfortable with them taking care of him.

"Great," Sarah smiles and Lise takes her son over to his spot to take off his jacket and outdoor shoes.

She likes the daycare. Likes that they are run bilingually. Sarah speaks English, with the children, her colleague speaks French. Likes the familiar atmosphere, the cheeriness of it. Still, she can't help but feel just a little guilty, about putting Joel here.

He's turned a year old two weeks ago. She'd thought that it was a good time, to slowly transition him into daycare, so she can return to her job. She loves him, she really does, and she immensely treasures the time they have together. But Lise is starting to miss work, miss adult conversations.

She doesn't want a sitter, for Joel. Doesn't like the idea of a stranger in their house. Of a stranger being unsupervised with their child, for hours on end. Her experience with her parents has made her rather weary of entrusting Joel's care in the hands of one individual without supervision.

Together with Sarah, they walk over to the general play area for the toddlers. Lise lets out a soft sigh and sits down on the floor next to her son. Rubs his back and kisses his cheek as Joel looks around with big eyes, sticking close to her for the time being.

"Does he know finger paint?" Emilie asks as she gets out paper and paint for the children.

"Yes," Lise nods. "Though we're still working on the concept of where it's supposed to go," she adds with a look at her son. "He loves smearing it all over himself. You're lucky if some lands on the paper," she explains at the other woman's confused look.

"Ah," she nods and starts helping the other kids into oversized shirts already splattered with paint. Lise takes one, as well, and puts it on Joel.

It's actually fun, to paint with the kids. And Lise finds, much to her surprise, that her son isn't the only one who would rather just play in the paint with his hands. There's two more children who end up having their entire arms and parts of their faces covered in paint by the end of this. Neither Emilie, nor Sarah seem to be perturbed, on the contrary. Sarah actually helps another boy get more paint on himself when he holds out his arm for her, unable to reach a spot.

"It's not about what they produce in the end," Sarah explains as they take the kids to the bathroom, to get them cleaned up for snack time. "It's the learning process during the activity. They're all different, all have their own speed and thought processes. If they want to explore how the paint feels on their skin, they're welcome to. Though not to eat it," she adds and hurries to pull Cathrine's hand from her mouth. It's already smeared with green paint, the girl's tongue turning green as well.

"How's he with soap?" Sarah asks as she starts helping Catrine clean herself.

"You mean like, allergies?" Lise frowns as she grabs a washcloth and starts to clean her son's hands and arms.

"That, too," Sarah nods. "But I mean more like, sensory processing."

"Oh," Lise nods, catching on. "It's fine, it doesn't bother him. We use liquid soap at home, though, so I don't know what he thinks about bars."

By now, her son has shed his initial shyness, and is babbling along, pointing at things and watching the other children with interest.

Snack time consists of fresh fruit and vegetables, cut into little bite-sized pieces. The kids are encouraged to help themselves, though Sarah sits close to Joel.

"How about," she says and takes a piece of apple, "apple? Do you like that?" she asks and offers it to him. Joel watches her for a moment, before taking the piece of fruit from her hand and eating it.

"Okay, so apple's good," Sarah smiles and gives Lise a thumbs up behind Joel's back. "Banana? Do you like that, too?" she goes on and takes a piece, offering it to the boy as well. When he takes it without hesitation, Lise finds herself smiling, before a bittersweet ache settles in her chest. She swallows and leans back a little, so Joel doesn't catch her expression.

"Here," Emilie murmurs and touches her shoulder. "Look at me," she tells Lise, her voice low. "I know it can be difficult," she says, stroking back the hair from the face of the boy Sarah helped paint his arms earlier. "But he is doing really, really well. He trusts you, Lise. Joel wouldn't be half as comfortable with us already, if that weren't the case. He's learned that he can trust your judgment, and you show him that you trust us."

Lise swallows thickly and nods. It's just, hard. She wants this. She wants him to be comfortable here, wants him to have fun, and learn, and grow. But at the same time, it, hurts. To see him so trusting with another woman. She can't really explain it, or describe it. But part of her feels like she's losing an important element to their relationship, and even if logically, Lise knows it's important for Joel to be able to be away from her, emotionally, it's a different story.

"Sarah and I were talking earlier," Emilie tells her. "Since Joel accepts food from her, it would be alright to extend the duration of your stay," she explains. "Have him eat lunch here, as well. It's the same concept as the other stuff. You do everything at first, and then Sarah slowly takes over from you."

Lise nods and reaches up to wipe at the tears in the corners of her eyes.

"Right," she mutters and feels Emilie touch her arm to give it a soft squeeze.

"We don't have to start right away," she tells her. "Tomorrow is Friday anyway, we don't introduce changes on Fridays. Nor on Mondays. Tuesday would be alright, but if you'd like more time, that's fine with us."

"Can I tell you on Monday?" Lise asks and watches as Emilie nods.

"Sure," she smiles and takes a grape for herself from the plate of snacks. Lise gives a slight nod and turns to look at her son. Who's now trying to feed Sarah.

"No, thank you," the other woman shakes her head. "You can eat that, I'm done," she tells him, gently taking Joel's hand away from her mouth. The boy frowns and turns around to offer the fruit he has to his mother.

"Non, merci," Lise shakes her head. "Est-ce que tu veux manger cela?" she asks him. When Joel shakes his head no, she slowly gets up and takes him in the direction of the bins, so he can throw it away.

They leave half an hour after snack time. Joel is babbling and excited, and more than willing to let Sarah dress him again.

"There you go," she declares as she finishes putting on his shoes.

"Thank you," Lise mutters as Joel slides down from the bench.

"I see you two tomorrow?" Sarah asks and Lise nods enthusiastically.

"Yes, we'll be right here," she smiles, before taking her son's hand.

"Tu dis 'á bientôt'," she prompts him, pointing at Sarah. Her son hesitates, before waving at her, drawing a laugh from Sarah before she returns the gesture.

* * *

"Hey," Larren mutters as she leans against her desk, making Lise look up at her with a questioning look.

"Anything I can do for you?" she asks, turning her chair to face her.

"Wanna go for a very exciting ride in an unmarked and verify the whereabouts of a suspect with me?" Larren asks, waggling her eyebrows at Lise. She blinks at her before letting out a soft laugh and gives a slight shake of her head.

"Please say yes," Larren adds, leaning in a little. "To be honest, if you don't come, I have to take McLeod, and I am still not completely over that very detailed description of leather making."

"Alright," Lise nods with a fake sigh, though she can feel her lips tugging into a soft smile. Turns to her computer to save the report she was working on, and then grabs her gun from the drawer.

"Have fun," Cardinal mutters when she gives his shoulder a squeeze in passing.

In the car, with Larren behind the wheel, Lise takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?" she asks as Larren pulls out of the parking lot.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," the other woman replies, looking over her shoulder briefly as she moves into traffic.

"Thank you," Lise tells her, when they pause at a red light. "I, appreciate it."

It's her second day back. She hasn't been out in the field yet, with anyone, and honestly, it was starting to make her nervous.

"How are you holding up?" Larren asks her, glancing at Lise briefly.

She draws a slow breath and rubs her hands over her thigh, to dispel the nervous energy building in her body.

"It's, kind of hard?" she frowns, looking out the window. "Not being back at work, that part is actually good," she adds quickly. "I missed it, a lot."

"But you hate leaving your kid," Larren supplies and Lise lets out a soft breath as she nods.

"Yeah," she admits. It's not that Joel makes a scene, when she drops him off in the morning. He hasn't, not for over a week. He hugs her and she kisses his cheek and tells him that papa or her will pick him up after the afternoon snack, and tells him to go play. Sometimes he needs a second hug, a second kiss, but neither John, nor her make it a habit to linger. They always leave after the second kiss goodbye, and even when their son struggled to separate from them or is having a bad day, they still leave. Lise greatly appreciates that the daycare sends them an update on their phones, when their son has calmed down. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by a picture of Joel playing peacefully or completely immersed in an activity. It makes leaving him with Sarah and Emilie a lot easier and works wonders for the moments when Lise finds it difficult to deal with her guilty conscience.

But despite knowing that he's fine, she still finds it, difficult, to part with Joel. To drop him off with basically strangers, for hours on end, so she can work. It makes her feel so incredibly selfish, and made her extremely hesitant about actually returning to work. She could have taken another six months off, maybe even another year.

"So," she starts with a slight shake of her head, in an effort to pull herself from her thoughts. "What case are we working on?"

"Someone took a baseball bat to a car. Guy suspects the ex of his current girlfriend. I'm sceptical. Doesn't seem the type, and he does have an alibi," Larren tells her and hands over her notepad to Lise, so she can have a look at her notes.

"Ah," she mutters, reading over the small handwriting.

"Also," Larren declares, "I thought we could get some very fancy coffee, after. It's just around the corner of the address. And I thought my chances of getting to gorge myself on frappucino with whipped cream was bigger with you than with any of the guys."

At her words, Lise lets out a laugh.

"You're probably right, there," she allows. "Though perhaps we should bring them some coffee, as well."

"Maybe," Larren sighs. "But only if I get to put soy milk into McLeod's."

"Is he lactose intolerant?" Lise frowns, trying to remember the last time she saw the guy make himself a coffee. If he'd used milk, at all.

"No," Larren shakes her head. "He just absolutely hates the taste," she adds with a grin.

"You're devious," Lise shakes her head and watches as Larren pulls a face.

"Dude described to me how tanning leather works. In minute detail. Including the removal. While I was stuck in a car on the highway with him," she mutters darkly. "I consider it payback."

"Fair point," Lise nods, reaching for the buckle of her seatbelt as Larren pulls up at the address.

"Ready, partner?" she jokes as she kills the engine, and Lise finds herself swallowing thickly, before she gives a nod.

"Ready," she confirms and they both get out of the car.

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> I actually had two versions of this; this and one where Lise keeps the pregnancy. I went back and forth for a long time, trying to figure out which one felt "right", and ultimately, this one felt more, realistic, to me.


End file.
